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Funny story: Auntie Jean Advises - Gaffa Tape from Wigan

Auntie Jean Advises - Gaffa Tape from Wigan

Gaffa Tape asks: Dear Auntie Jean, Is a distinguished gentleman shafting my wife or is my wife a closet lesbian? I have been married for 3 years and was recently putting her underwear back in the drawers after my regular afternoon's trannying when I noticed some men's shirts in the bottom of the drawer. Underneath the shirts were a pipe and tobacco and an assortment of theatrical beards.
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Funny story: Rocko's Perspective - When They Knock On Your Door...

Rocko's Perspective - When They Knock On Your Door...

Here at Rocko's Perspective, we keep finding solutions to everyone's problem. But 25.0765% of the letters I receive have a common problem -- they knock on your door and scare you with fire and brimstone. Yes, you know where I'm heading. They might be annoying at times, to the point of throwing the Panzer Kitchenware Anti-Gravity Pots and Pans at them. Well, that might shoo them away, but they'l...
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Funny story: Rocko's Perspective - Thou shalt not suffer a "what?" to live.

Rocko's Perspective - Thou shalt not suffer a "what?" to live.

Hear ye, hear ye! We received another letter from a curious lady, who is curious on what shall not be suffered to live. Here's her letter: Dear Rocko, I had a breakup with my boyfriend because he told me that I don't deserve to live. He keeps slapping me with some quotes from his Bible just because I am not going to Topeka, Kansas with him. He's planning to join the "cult" called "Westboro B...
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Funny story: Dear Abby's Last Words: Advises Everyone To "Go Fuck Themselves."

Dear Abby's Last Words: Advises Everyone To "Go Fuck Themselves."

MINNEAPOLIS, MN-In a shocking turn of events ailing Dear Abby advice columnist Pauline Phillips shelved her customary charm by issuing a final declaration for her readers to "go fuck themselves." "I've always looked to her column for quaint life a...
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Funny story: Dear Abby "Ghost" Puzzles Minneapolis Area

Dear Abby "Ghost" Puzzles Minneapolis Area

(AP) Minneapolis- In a surprise development, an apparition described by many as the "ghost of Dear Abby" has been visiting dozens of Minneapolis homes giving unwanted advice. Pauline Phillips, better known to millions of newspaper readers for deca...
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Funny story: Dear Rocko - My Neighbor's Annoying

Dear Rocko - My Neighbor's Annoying

Dear Rocko, Just call me Sabrina, from Saffron City, Kanto. I have a neighbor who annoys me by leaving pamphlets and Chick tracts at my doors and windows. This neighbor just moved from Westboro, and I don't know if I let my Alakazam use a Pokemon move on that guy because doing it violates my beliefs. I already reported this to the police station, but this still keeps on going. I need advice. Bl...
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Funny story: Your Problem Page With Robert Pattinson The Geordie Horse

Your Problem Page With Robert Pattinson The Geordie Horse

Robert Pattinson The Geordie Horse was voted Number One Problem-Solving Equine in a Gallop Poll Dear Robert, I am a kleptomaniac. My flat is like Aladdin's Cave. I have just come back from town with three lampshades, an electric blanket and a pork pie hat. I can hardly move for contraband. What can I do? Jim Carner Goodwood Robert Pattinson writes: Neigh, neigh, hinny. Thoo's saddle...
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Funny story: More From The Problem Page

More From The Problem Page

With This Week's Guest Editor: 20th Century Philosopher Of Being Martin Heidegger (James Corden says: "Top man! Being all over the media like a rash is so stressing. Jack Black introduced me to Heidegger's 'Ɯberwindung der Metaphysik' on the set of Gulliver's Travels: it's the perfect way to touch base after a hard day feeding my already-bloated ego." Dear Martin, as a mature man, it is...
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Funny story: My husband's a lardy slob

My husband's a lardy slob

Dear Bonnie Contention, I married my husband a year ago and he's become a big, fat, lazy slob. I'm not quite sure how it happened, but I do all the housework, cook all the meals, organise our holidays and nights out, while he does nothing apart from watch TV and drink with mates. Oh, wait! Maybe that's how it happened! Anyway... He's put on seventeen stone and the fat bastard blames me f...
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Funny story: Letters from the Desperate

Letters from the Desperate

Dear Sally, Ever since my visit to the proctologist I have found myself liking the feeling and seeking out ever larger and rougher men. Is there a cure? Failing that, could you tell me where to find some nice big men who know how to treat me rough? Desperate of Nuneaton. Dear Desperate of Nuneaton, I'm afraid there is no cure. People like you should be in prison. That's where you'll find the...
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Funny story: Dr Jon Answers More of Your Questions in an Aggressive and Dismissive Fashion

Dr Jon Answers More of Your Questions in an Aggressive and Dismissive Fashion

Dear Dr Jon, A pensioner drove into the back of me at 2mph in Aldi car park. I've been watching cable telly, and I think I'll sue her, because, mysteriously, my neck's gone a bit stiff nine weeks later. Will you do a report? No I fucking won't. The least the bunch of Ambulance Chasers you've engaged to make money in your name can do is bother to find a shill themselves. Dear Dr Jon, Sorry I...
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Funny story: Ask Dr Jon, Britains least sympathetic and constructive health professional.

Ask Dr Jon, Britains least sympathetic and constructive health professional.

Dear Dr Jon, I have a slight cough and my doctor won't give me antibiotics. For some reason I am obsessed with getting antibiotics, mainly because my mum says I should have them, though neither of us know the difference between a virus and a bacteria. What shall I do? You should for just one sodding moment try to remember that there are people in hospital whose arms have fallen off due to anti...
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Funny story: Husband complains about my male colleague

Husband complains about my male colleague

Dear Bonnie Contention, I work in an office with mostly men and have become really friendly with one guy in particular. We just hit it off straight away and share loads of interests. We have a laugh, too, and our sense of humour is very similar. Although my husband's never met him he's always niggling at me jealously. He's even threatened to come round to the office and 'have it out'.
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Funny story: Dr Kenwood's Worst-Case Scenario Casebook # 2: Am I Going To Die?

Dr Kenwood's Worst-Case Scenario Casebook # 2: Am I Going To Die?

Hello again everyone. I have in front of me a letter from a concerned patient, worried sick that he might be 'terminally ill'. Now, as you know, death is not a trifling thing, and is certainly not something we should be making fun of, but it happens to us all in the end, and we shouldn't be afraid to die. That's what I tell my patients if I think they are going to snuff it, anyway. The l...
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Funny story: Renaissance Agony Aunt

Renaissance Agony Aunt

Dear Auntie Hilda, I'm going through a really tough time at the moment in my home life. My father died a while ago and my mother remarried his brother shortly after (we even had the funeral meats at the wedding!). I keep being haunted by my father (literally), and this is having an effect not only on me, but everyone around me. I can't help thinking that it's possible my uncle killed by father...
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Funny story: Readers' Problems Answered III

Readers' Problems Answered III

DON'T SUFFER IN SILENCE! DON'T BOTTLE IT UP! LET IT ALL OUT! "Readers Problems Answered" Is Here To Help With This Week's Guest Editor: Irish Novelist, Short Fiction Writer and Postmodernist Dramatist SAMUEL BECKETT Samuel Beckett didn't bottle things up, certainly not when it came to writing all those novels, such as Molloy, Watt, and The Unnamable; shorter prose works like Imagi...
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Funny story: Readers Problems Answered II

Readers Problems Answered II

DON'T SUFFER IN SILENCE! DON'T BOTTLE IT UP! LET IT ALL OUT! "Readers Problems Answered" Is Here To Help With This Week's Guest Editor: Key 19th Century Literary Realist and Author of The Portrait of a Lady and The Turn of the Screw HENRY JAMES Henry James certainly couldn't be accused of bottling it up, with all those novels and stories under his belt, and all his incredibly long s...
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Funny story: Readers Problems Answered

Readers Problems Answered

DON'T SUFFER IN SILENCE! DON'T BOTTLE IT UP! LET IT ALL OUT! "Readers Problems Answered" Is Here To Help With This Week's Guest Editor: Radical Poetic Innovator and Author of The Waste Land T S ELIOT T S Eliot didn't bottle it all up! He let it all out! Had he been a bottler-up, the world might never have seen The Dry Salvages or Ash Wednesday or Sweeney Agonistes (There's a lot to...
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Alabama's New State Motto

After Tuesday Alabama's state motto, Audemus jura nostra defendere ("We dare defend our rights"), will most likely be changed to Audemus pedophilium nostra defendere ("We dare defend our pedophiles").
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