Dick Athlon asks Auntie Jean:
I am a British Spy and I am trapped in a padlocked sports bag. I was having a bath while locked in my diplomatic bag as usual.
The apartment steward unexpectedly came into my flat and took the bag (with me inside it) to Heathrow airport. I think I am in the luggage hold of a plane in mid flight.
My phone battery is almost depleted. On looking...
Can I tell if she's a Ladyboy?
"Convincing" asks Auntie Jean's Advice:
Auntie Jean, just lately I have been "misled" by a series of very authentic looking Ladyboys. Sometimes they meet me socially and it's a kiss goodnight afterwards and a tops fondle and tongues.
A few days afterwards, another drink and meal and its a handjob and tops. It can take a week or so of wasted time and money be...
Gaffa Tape asks:
Dear Auntie Jean,
Is a distinguished gentleman shafting my wife or is my wife a closet lesbian?
I have been married for 3 years and was recently putting her underwear back in the drawers after my regular afternoon's trannying when I noticed some men's shirts in the bottom of the drawer. Underneath the shirts were a pipe and tobacco and an assortment of theatrical beards.
Here at Rocko's Perspective, we keep finding solutions to everyone's problem. But 25.0765% of the letters I receive have a common problem -- they knock on your door and scare you with fire and brimstone. Yes, you know where I'm heading.
They might be annoying at times, to the point of throwing the Panzer Kitchenware Anti-Gravity Pots and Pans at them. Well, that might shoo them away, but they'l...
Hear ye, hear ye! We received another letter from a curious lady, who is curious on what shall not be suffered to live. Here's her letter:
I had a breakup with my boyfriend because he told me that I don't deserve to live. He keeps slapping me with some quotes from his Bible just because I am not going to Topeka, Kansas with him. He's planning to join the "cult" called "Westboro B...
MINNEAPOLIS, MN-In a shocking turn of events ailing Dear Abby advice columnist Pauline Phillips shelved her customary charm by issuing a final declaration for her readers to "go fuck themselves."
"I've always looked to her column for quaint life a...
(AP) Minneapolis- In a surprise development, an apparition described by many as the "ghost of Dear Abby" has been visiting dozens of Minneapolis homes giving unwanted advice.
Pauline Phillips, better known to millions of newspaper readers for deca...
Just call me Sabrina, from Saffron City, Kanto. I have a neighbor who annoys me by leaving pamphlets and Chick tracts at my doors and windows. This neighbor just moved from Westboro, and I don't know if I let my Alakazam use a Pokemon move on that guy because doing it violates my beliefs. I already reported this to the police station, but this still keeps on going. I need advice. Bl...
Robert Pattinson The Geordie Horse was voted Number One Problem-Solving Equine in a Gallop Poll
I am a kleptomaniac. My flat is like Aladdin's Cave. I have just come back from town with three lampshades, an electric blanket and a pork pie hat. I can hardly move for contraband. What can I do?
Robert Pattinson writes: Neigh, neigh, hinny. Thoo's saddle...
With This Week's Guest Editor:
20th Century Philosopher Of Being
(James Corden says: "Top man! Being all over the media like a rash is so stressing. Jack Black introduced me to Heidegger's 'Überwindung der Metaphysik' on the set of Gulliver's Travels: it's the perfect way to touch base after a hard day feeding my already-bloated ego."
as a mature man, it is...
Dear Bonnie Contention,
I married my husband a year ago and he's become a big, fat, lazy slob.
I'm not quite sure how it happened, but I do all the housework, cook all the meals, organise our holidays and nights out, while he does nothing apart from watch TV and drink with mates. Oh, wait! Maybe that's how it happened! Anyway...
He's put on seventeen stone and the fat bastard blames me f...
Ever since my visit to the proctologist I have found myself liking the feeling and seeking out ever larger and rougher men. Is there a cure? Failing that, could you tell me where to find some nice big men who know how to treat me rough?
Desperate of Nuneaton.
Dear Desperate of Nuneaton,
I'm afraid there is no cure. People like you should be in prison. That's where you'll find the...
Dear Dr Jon, A pensioner drove into the back of me at 2mph in Aldi car park. I've been watching cable telly, and I think I'll sue her, because, mysteriously, my neck's gone a bit stiff nine weeks later. Will you do a report?
No I fucking won't. The least the bunch of Ambulance Chasers you've engaged to make money in your name can do is bother to find a shill themselves.
Dear Dr Jon, Sorry I...
Dear Dr Jon, I have a slight cough and my doctor won't give me antibiotics. For some reason I am obsessed with getting antibiotics, mainly because my mum says I should have them, though neither of us know the difference between a virus and a bacteria. What shall I do?
You should for just one sodding moment try to remember that there are people in hospital whose arms have fallen off due to anti...
Dear Bonnie Contention,
I work in an office with mostly men and have become really friendly with one guy in particular.
We just hit it off straight away and share loads of interests. We have a laugh, too, and our sense of humour is very similar.
Although my husband's never met him he's always niggling at me jealously. He's even threatened to come round to the office and 'have it out'.
Hello again everyone. I have in front of me a letter from a concerned patient, worried sick that he might be 'terminally ill'.
Now, as you know, death is not a trifling thing, and is certainly not something we should be making fun of, but it happens to us all in the end, and we shouldn't be afraid to die.
That's what I tell my patients if I think they are going to snuff it, anyway.
Dear Auntie Hilda,
I'm going through a really tough time at the moment in my home life. My father died a while ago and my mother remarried his brother shortly after (we even had the funeral meats at the wedding!). I keep being haunted by my father (literally), and this is having an effect not only on me, but everyone around me. I can't help thinking that it's possible my uncle killed by father...
DON'T SUFFER IN SILENCE!
DON'T BOTTLE IT UP!
LET IT ALL OUT!
"Readers Problems Answered" Is Here To Help
With This Week's Guest Editor:
Irish Novelist, Short Fiction Writer and Postmodernist Dramatist
Samuel Beckett didn't bottle things up, certainly not when it came to writing all those novels, such as Molloy, Watt, and The Unnamable; shorter prose works like Imagi...
Sorry, you can't go back any further!
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