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Showing stories written by Ben Macnair

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Man looking for a quiet place for a drink on Wednesday and Sunday.

Funny story: Man looking for a quiet place for a drink on Wednesday and Sunday.

Walter Klondyke Smith, 56, has explained to us that he is desperately trying to think of a quiet pub he can go to on Wednesday and Sunday night when if all goes to plan some multi-millionaires will be kicking a ball around a field thousands of miles...

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Men realises waistcoats aren't the way to go in a heatwave

Funny story: Men realises waistcoats aren't the way to go in a heatwave

Tony Hemmings, 33, the cock of the walk in Basingstoke has realised that despite Gareth Southgate's leading work in the field, waist-coats are not the defacto male clothing to be worn during a heat-wave. 'Imagine my surprise, to be following the s...

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Man in his 30's uploads old photos to dating website

Funny story: Man in his 30's uploads old photos to dating website

Wayne Hemmings, 30 realised that he might have made a mistake uploading photographs to Match.com that were twenty years old. 'I heard it was a common move that people in their 40's and 50's did it, so I did the same thing'. What Wayne didn't re...

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Poldark fan angry to learn that her husband likes Demelza

Funny story: Poldark fan angry to learn that her husband likes Demelza

Lorraine Johnson, like many people likes watching Poldark, for its intrigue, well drawn characters, scenery and easy on the eye cast was angered by the fact that her husband Gary only watches it for Demelza. 'Imagine my surprise' said Lorraine 'wh...

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Idiot regrets not knowing what a book is about before giving it to his girlfriend for her birthday

Funny story: Idiot regrets not knowing what a book is about before giving it to his girlfriend for her birthday

Idiot Wayne Johnson realised that he had done something wrong when his girlfriend Celia looked at him and asked 'Is this what you think I am?' Buying the book 'The Perfect Girlfriend' by Karen Hamilton in the book aisle at Tesco, when shopping for...

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60 year old man with half of his teeth, and no money doesn't understand why he isn't attractive to younger women

Gary Wayne Johnson from Chutney on the Fritz, a sixty-three-year-old with a habit of losing his teeth to the dentist can't understand why women half his age aren't interested in him like they are with wealthy and successful film stars and musicians.

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Cruel Gits to launch new range of greeting cards

A new range of greeting cards is to be released by the marketing company Cruel Bastards Incorporated. The cards are designed to cheer up people following tragic and sad, everyday life events. Death, relationship break-ups, and a good football team...

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Surprisingly, study by scientists finds that muscular men make the worst boyfriends

Funny story: Surprisingly, study by scientists finds that muscular men make the worst boyfriends

A study by scientists has found that the type of men that used to bully them in school make the worst type of boyfriend. 'Yes' said Leonard Oxygen 'it may look like sour grapes, but we have found, scientifically, and factually, that science and fa...

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Teresa May not scared by petitions on Social Media

Funny story: Teresa May not scared by petitions on Social Media

Political Puppet Teresa 'I am really only Prime Minister because no-one else wanted to be Prime Minister, and nobody wanted Boris Johnson to be Prime Minister' May has said, once and and for all that petitions on Social Media have no bearing on how s...

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Hydrogren and Oxygen really only sticking together for the kids

Funny story: Hydrogren and Oxygen really only sticking together for the kids

Mike Hydrogen and Kate Oxygen, known throughout the world as the important duo Water, have admitted that they are really only sticking together for the kids. Hydrogren said: 'I always felt I was doing all of the work. There I was, putting in twice...

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Xenomorph rejected from another job, again

Funny story: Xenomorph rejected from another job, again

Diane Smith, a Xenomorph, best known for a fleeting appearance in the Alien: Resolution film has spoken about being rejected for another job. The eight foot tall alien, who bleeds acid, and has an unfortunate habit of incubating her offspring with...

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Elmo feeling sad, says Elmo

Funny story: Elmo feeling sad, says Elmo

Lovable red Muppet, Elmo is sad because Elmo has been told to stop talking in the third person. Elmo doesn't understand this, as Elmo is only a young Muppet, although he has been on the show for years, and knows things about life that even Happy M...

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Man forgets why he did something

Funny story: Man forgets why he did something

In Trumpton under the thumb, local man and purchaser of clothing Lionel Richards forgot why he did something. Posting on his Book of Face, the self important pro-curer of Stationary for a small council building said, 'I did this thing, and then I...

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Him off that thing, you know that thing with her from that thing, anyway he is in another thing

Funny story: Him off that thing, you know that thing with her from that thing, anyway he is in another thing

An actor from that thing, you know where he played a soldier, or a detective, no he was a maverick taxidermist, with a self-destructive streak, no respect for authority, and it starred that actress from that thing, you remember, you watched it with m...

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14 Year old realises the world is not like a glossy film

Funny story: 14 Year old realises the world is not like a glossy film

Gary Johnson, famous in his street for being the 14 year old regret of his parents, has realised that secondary school will not be like it is in the films. 'I always knew that I wasn't in with the in-crowd' bemoaned the befuddled young chap, 'but...

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Cats meeting to discuss their owners

Funny story: Cats meeting to discuss their owners

Mog and Tiddles, two neighbouring cats at The Green, Chutney on the Fritz have met to discuss their respective owners. Mr Brown, a seventy year old widower is Mog’s caretaker, whilst Mrs Smith, a 68 year old divorcee looks after Tiddles, and the t...

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Council meets to discuss the possibility of a meeting to discuss the number of meetings they have

Funny story: Council meets to discuss the possibility of a meeting to discuss the number of meetings they have

Councillors in Chutney on the Fritz have met, at tax-payers expense to discuss the possibility of organising another meeting about the number of meetings they have. Councillor Money-Tree told us, ‘Yes, it is true. Whilst most normal people would h...

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Photographer who spent more than £5,000 on new equipment realises he might not really be that good

Funny story: Photographer who spent more than £5,000 on new equipment realises he might not really be that good

Gary Johnson, a camera fan and aspiring professional photographer has slowly realised that fifteen years into his hobby, and after spending more than £5,000 on equipment he really isn’t that good. ‘Imagine my relief’ said the deluded fool ‘that ha...

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Breaking news…

Ex-CIA John Brennan Heads Up New Militant Group

Emulating his hero Robespierre, a pissed-off Brennan leads a new faction of Contra-Deplorables. The goal is to execute via guillotine at CIA HQ all those who disagree with him.
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