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Showing stories written by D. L. Hawkinson

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Funny story: Writer Refuses Spoof-ploitation, Quits, Plans March

Writer Refuses Spoof-ploitation, Quits, Plans March

Portland. Highly regarded yet little-known Spoof writer, LeRoy Ephers, has decided that enough is enough. After 300 brilliantly written stories, and two so-so jokes, for both the U.S. and the U. K., he's going to hang up writing for The Spoof, des...
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Funny story: Dateline Washington: IQ Tests, Diapers, and WW III

Dateline Washington: IQ Tests, Diapers, and WW III

NEWS BRIEF Washington DC. The White House. In an apparent moment of rare confusion, President Trump challenged Senator Bob Corker to an IQ test, saying, "You're too short to be smarter than me." Corker responded, "Oh, go have your diaper cha...
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Funny story: Hunter-Gatherer Adjusts Well to Office Work, Wins Employee of the Month

Hunter-Gatherer Adjusts Well to Office Work, Wins Employee of the Month

London. In a shocking discovery made by the BBC, a Hunter-Gatherer was discovered in a partially melted block of ice in a cave just west of North Cornwall. His first words were, "Ice cold! Balls very cold!" Currently Employed Further investigat...
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Funny story: Aimless Drifter Patents Lifestyle, Now a Multi-Millionaire

Aimless Drifter Patents Lifestyle, Now a Multi-Millionaire

Portland. A self-described aimless drifter has turned his lifestyle into a lucrative career. No kidding. This is not a rags to riches story by virtue of hard work or perseverance or anything like that. It is a story that baffles the mind and l...
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Funny story: Terrorist Too Depressed to Blow Himself Up, Considers Therapy or Nonviolent Suicide, if He can Find the Pills

Terrorist Too Depressed to Blow Himself Up, Considers Therapy or Nonviolent Suicide, if He can Find the Pills

London. A terrorist visiting London while reconsidering his career options stopped by and talked to a local radio host. Apparently, he's suffering from a general loss of interest in blowing himself up or other people up, or shooting, stabbing, bludge...
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Funny story: Nationally Known Writer Admits He's been Lying, that Most of his Lies for FAKE NEWS were in Fact "Pretty Much True"

Nationally Known Writer Admits He's been Lying, that Most of his Lies for FAKE NEWS were in Fact "Pretty Much True"

Portland. A famous writer who's been engaged in fake news for the last three weeks now admits his stories were either (1) mostly true or (2) could be true if the circumstances fell into line. Ed Shnenneren, the writer, said, "I've been racked with...
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Funny story: Some Teachers Actually Go into Teaching for the Money

Some Teachers Actually Go into Teaching for the Money

Apparently, it's the result of low expectations and outright confusion. "I used to work in Walmart," said one untenured teacher, two years into the profession. "I get at least twice the pay, but I also don't get the 5% discount, so it's a wash. I...
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Funny story: Yelling in School Improves Academic Achievement

Yelling in School Improves Academic Achievement

It's true. But the yelling must be done not by teachers but by students themselves. Who after all listens to teachers, especially when they're yelling? Studies have been done on this very phenomenon, and they have consistently demonstrated tha...
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Funny story: Man has Neighbor Arrested: Cites Too Much Cable News Watching as Reason

Man has Neighbor Arrested: Cites Too Much Cable News Watching as Reason

Portland. A local man admitted to several news organizations that he had called the police on his next-door neighbor for allegedly "watching too much cable news." Breaking down, sobbing, a clearly distraught Mr. Ned Vuntler said, "I just couldn't tak...
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Funny story: Research Study Spurs Study Surfing, New Campus Craze

Research Study Spurs Study Surfing, New Campus Craze

A study just published, Study Finds Cat People Are More Intelligent Than Dog People, has sparked a resurgence in the public's curiosity about controversial conclusions in the social sciences. Now called Study Surfing, the resurgence is especially pop...
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Funny story: Man Discovers Secret to Retail Revival

Man Discovers Secret to Retail Revival

Who knew it could be so easy? One man has a unique solution to stop the onslaught of retail stores from shuttering their windows and locking their doors. He is formulating a follow-up plan to prevent tumbleweeds from rolling across barren mall pa...
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Funny story: Monument Charged in Animal Misconduct Case: Said to be the first of its kind, more likely to follow

Monument Charged in Animal Misconduct Case: Said to be the first of its kind, more likely to follow

Yet another American icon has tarnished his noble and commercially successful reputation-hurting the local tourist trade by anywhere from 12 to 39%, judging by newly purchased analytics used by the Uff-da Middle School Community Economics club, heade...
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Breaking News...

Trump Will Stop Calling Gold Star Parents and Will Just Tweet Them Instead

The message will be the same: "He knew what he was signing" & "Sorry he was an unsuccesful soldier."
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