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Problem Page With Robert Pattinson The Geordie Horse

Funny story: Problem Page With Robert Pattinson The Geordie Horse

Robert Pattinson The Geordie Horse was voted Number One Nag For Problem-Solving in a new Gallop Poll Dear Robert, I am a lesbian and my wife doesn't love me any more. I have tried everything to get back in her good books. I have even started doing DIY, and had my hair cropped, but she isn't impressed. She has got a new butch personal trainer and is spending a lot of time with her. What c...

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Sloppy Sally responds to readers' questions

Q. Whatever happened to hatpins and pocket pistols? In days past,  pussy-pinchers could expect to be pinned to death or given a lethal dose of 'lead poisoning' for the act our President describes so cavalierly. How would we men feel about Nut Grabbing? - Den from Colorado  A. Dear Den: Personally, I am opposed to Nut-Grabbing (I believe that it is meant to be hyphenated).  Many st...

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Did I Get a Good Deal Dr. Phil?

Dear Dr. Phil, I'm engaged to a fairly powerful and influential man, Ivan, who lives overseas. We've been in a difficult relationship for many years now. During that time, Ivan has made many speeches in which he calls for "death to monogamy" and claims it's his divine right to "bag as many babes" as possible. He frequently calls me the "great Satan" and says I should be exterminated along wi...

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Auntie Jean Advises Tara McClosoff From The Isle Of Wight On Showing Off Her Pubic Hairs

Funny story: Auntie Jean Advises Tara McClosoff From The Isle Of Wight On Showing Off Her Pubic Hairs

Tara: Auntie Jean, On the T.V. programmes; "Hotel Inspector" and "How Clean is Your House", I have often seen the presenters, AIexi Poliizei and Aggie McKensit remove feral pubic hairs from beds, showers and baths etc. with tweezers and put them into plastic bags. The sound on my T.V. does not work, so I have long presumed that presenters such as AIexi Poliizei are collectors of pubic hairs. Co-...

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Answers To Correspondents - Has My Wife Set A Snooker Record?

Funny story: Answers To Correspondents - Has My Wife Set A Snooker Record?

QUESTION Recently my wife attended a hen party on the Isle of Wight. After several drinks she began a game with another woman on the pub snooker table. She claims to have had a break of 155. Is this possible? Additionally she then went on to play darts and claims to have achieved a nine dart finish, whatever that was. Mr. Nick Swarzkopf ANSWER Hello Nick. Regarding the snooker, your wif...

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Auntie Jean Advises A. Nellie Retentive, Pensioner From Scunthorpe

Funny story: Auntie Jean Advises A. Nellie Retentive, Pensioner From Scunthorpe

Nellie Asks: Auntie, I have received my D.A.B. 3D digital radio from the internet which arrived on a low loader this morning. I would appreciate a little help with tuning it as the instructions are inadequately translated from Mandarin Chinese. It has what it describes as a 2.3 metre plasma screen. I had to cut a hole in my trailer park home to get it in. It keeps blowing the park substatio...

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Auntie Jean Advises Les Brains From Barf Who Has To Decide On A Career

Funny story: Auntie Jean Advises Les Brains From Barf Who Has To Decide On A Career

Les Brains Asks: Auntie Jean, I was dropped on my head by the midwife as a baby and consequently cannot make any decisions and have no moral fibre. I can't tell right from wrong , am dishonest and selfish and frequently accidentally wear my jacket inside out. I have an appointment with the Career Adviser at school tomorrow and would like to ask about a career. Which should I choose? Auntie Jea...

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Auntie Jean Advises I.S. Wallow From Upper Thong Whether Or Not To Come In Out Of The Rain

Funny story: Auntie Jean Advises I.S. Wallow From Upper Thong Whether Or Not To Come In Out Of The Rain

I. S. Wallow Asks: Dear Auntie Jean, I am sitting in my best clothes in wet mud in a torrential downpour in the garden. Normally despite being an otherwise intelligent human being, I ask my mother whether or not to come in out of the rain. My mother tells me I have no common sense. I have a horrific cough and what seems to be pneumonia. My mother is not speaking to me so will not tell me ei...

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Auntie Jean advises the chess champion of the world

Funny story: Auntie Jean advises the chess champion of the world

Magnus Carlsen from Norway asks: "Auntie Jean, I am in the final of the world chess championship. Actually I am in the lavatory of the competition building and there is no toilet paper. I think my opponent has stuffed it all down the toilet to put me off my game. I was going to complete a series of moves ending in a spectacular "Carlsen checkmate" coup de gras, but now I can 't wipe my arse. Can...

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Auntie Jean advises Eric Shun - on holiday in Wales

Funny story: Auntie Jean advises Eric Shun - on holiday in Wales

Eric Shun asks Auntie Jean::Auntie Jean, I have accidentally come on holiday to Wales by getting on the wrong train. Is there anything I can do to stop clinical depression setting in? Auntie Jean answers:Eric, 1) Be optimistic, try to think that something will turn up. 2) Add up all the little joyful things that happen to you during the day. For example, there was no traffic on the road, you...

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Auntie Jean advises Mr. Completely whose arse is superglued to a toilet seat in McDonalds

Funny story: Auntie Jean advises Mr. Completely whose arse is superglued to a toilet seat in McDonalds

Mr. Completely asks: Dear Auntie Jean, I am trapped in a McDonalds toilet in Liverpool with my arse well and truly superglued to the porcelain W.C. Someone spread the glue all over the W.C. and like a fool I just sat down on it. I am permanently welded to the toilet bowl now and what's worse is that there's no door on the cubicle and I nipped into the women's loo as the men's was full.

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Auntie Jean Advises - Mike Rotchburns from Bell End

Funny story: Auntie Jean Advises - Mike Rotchburns from Bell End

Mike Rotchburns asks: Dear Auntie Jean, I am a very heavy drinker and each day consume about twenty pints of bitter. I enjoy this and as my wife knew of my hobby when we met, she puts up with a lot from me really, but I also do the same with her. Last night I staggered, singing loudly, up the drive and stumbled through the door, like you do, was sick on the carpet and stumbled up to bed.

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Answers to correspondents

Funny story: Answers to correspondents

Q. Sir. In the 1966 World Cup final, Helmut Haller put West Germany ahead after 12 minutes. I noticed that in an episode of Fawlty Towers, Basil, with a bandage on his head is being rude to a table of very pleasant mannered Germans. On the credits I noticed the name of Helmut Haller. Is this the same Helmut Haller who scored the goal for West Germany? Colonel Blink (Chipping Norton).

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Auntie Jean Advises - Barry McCociner from Grinstead

Funny story: Auntie Jean Advises - Barry McCociner from Grinstead

Barry McCociner asks: Auntie Jean: I have recently discovered secret messages on Tomato Sauce bottle labels. These messages form part of a code which, when you take the 3rd letter of each word and assemble the whole string of letters and reverse them, reveal top secret instructions about preparing a landing site for the forthcoming invasion of earth by aliens from the planet Zod. I...

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Auntie Jean Advises - Cantsia Weiner from Glasgow

Funny story: Auntie Jean Advises - Cantsia Weiner from Glasgow

Transgender Op Reversal Auntie Jean: I have had a sex change using guidance from a DIY website. After sending a Western Union transfer to Asomal Ian Pyreat purportedly in Nigeria. a photocopy of two pages from Greys Anatomy, a boxcutter, a blowtorch and a mini tube of superglue arrived. I followed the instructions but next door's dog ran away with my testicles. I have changed my mind now.

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Auntie Jean Advises - Boy John from Bradford

Funny story: Auntie Jean Advises - Boy John from Bradford

Auntie Jean Advises - Boy John from Bradford Auntie Jean, I am a student aged 21. Recently I went on a hiking trip in Peru. I was with a party of fellow students raising money for the student bar at Bradford University. The trip went well even including a once in a lifetime climb to explore Machu Picchu. We camped in our portable tents at night and at the end of the trek usually went swimmin...

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Auntie Jean Advises - Hugh Jarce from Liverpool

Funny story: Auntie Jean Advises - Hugh Jarce from Liverpool

Auntie Jean, I have a personal problem which I can hardly bring myself to mention. I'm afraid to admit that when short of money recently I did the unthinkable and went down to the Docks area to try to earn some money. I knew that the means of earning cash for services rendered was still available, and that my advancing years may work against my ambitions. So I made my way to the sperm donat...

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Auntie Jean Advises - Dick Athlon from London

Funny story: Auntie Jean Advises - Dick Athlon from London

Dick Athlon asks Auntie Jean: Auntie Jean, I am a British Spy and I am trapped in a padlocked sports bag. I was having a bath while locked in my diplomatic bag as usual. The apartment steward unexpectedly came into my flat and took the bag (with me inside it) to Heathrow airport. I think I am in the luggage hold of a plane in mid flight. My phone battery is almost depleted. On looking...

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