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Trump Will Stop Calling Gold Star Parents and Will Just Tweet Them Instead

The message will be the same: "He knew what he was signing" & "Sorry he was an unsuccesful soldier."

Harvey Weinstein ejaculated from Motion Picture Academy

In an emergency meeting of the Motion Pictue Academy, reviewing the sexual antics of Weinstein until, in a crescendo of passion, they ejaculated him all the way to New Jersey, land of the creeps.

Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby, and Bill O'Reilly to Form Club

It'll be a branch of the He-Man Woman Haters Club.

Republicans Admit They Plan to Just Start Ignoring Trump and Let Pence Take Over as President

As long as Trump is allowed to watch TV, tweet, and golf he won't know the difference.

Vice-President Pence Leaves Colts vs. 49ers Game During Protests

He thought they were bowing to him, and when he found out they weren't, he got embarrassed and left.

"You're fired!"

I hear the Republican Party appeared on a recent episode of The Apprentice as one of its guests and was promptly fired by its addled host.

U.S. Secretary of State Rex Tillerson Denies Calling Trump a "Moron"

"What I actually said was that he was a FUCKING moron!" said Tillerson.

Trump Will Have Every Puerto Rican's Paychecks Garnished Until Hurriacae Maria Damage is Paid Off

...Even though the Federal Government hasn't actually done anything yet...

Trump to Return to Puerto Rico to Throw More Rolls of Paper Towels to the Crowd

"The towels did so well to help the suffering of Puerto Rico last time that we've brought more.

Gun Rights Activist Dwayne LaPenis Shot While Giving a Speech to the Gun Lobby

Dies Minutes Later as Attending Physicians Offer Their "Thoughts and Prayers"

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