Written by Noshing Mink
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Topics: Australia, Ned Kelly

Thursday, 1 September 2011

image for Australians find Ned Kelly's head in Rolf Harris' didgeridoo
Ned Kelly phoning for an ambulance after he lost his head

Australian historians are cock a hoop after finding the head of Ozzie crime lord Ned Kelly. Kelly, a bank robber, was executed a few years ago and the dumb bastards that ran that country lost his head.

That is, until it turned up in a kiwi farm last week. The owners, Bob and Sheila, got quite a surprise. Sheila said "We were having a barbi with Rolf Harris and we found this ugly big head in Rolf's didgeridoo. It gave us all the willies."

But why are the people of this country so excited about finding the head of a criminal?

One explanation is that it's because Australians have no history. Proper countries like England and France have histories that span a few thousand years. Australia, however, only became a country in 1985 and therefore anything that happened more than ten minutes ago becomes treasured history.

Another explanation is that all Ozzies are ex-British criminals who were deported there in the 1990s for crimes against decency like sheep shagging and getting' friendly with a goat. It is hardly surprising that they have fetishes about headless corpses belonging to executed criminals.

But the real question is why did they execute one of their own? After all, all the coppers and Government Ministers in Australia are ex-cons, so why did they hang another con rather than give him a pat on the back?

I'm arsed if I know the answer to that.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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