BAGHDAD, Iraq Dec 8, 2005 - Saddam Hussein's claim that he wasn't really the former dictator of Iraq but rather a body-double fell apart today when one of the real body doubles positively identified him. "Yeah, that's him...so...can I go now?" said Ahmed "Diddy" al-Sayeed shortly before being blown to pieces in rocket attack outside the court house several minutes later. "Hmmm, I guess it WAS a good idea to keep a few of those doubles around," Hussein snorted before finally admitting to being himself. "Hey, you can't blame me for trying. I thought you guys might fall for it, especially the way you fell for that whole WMD thing," he noted. But, Saddam's jocularity was short lived as his questionable eye in room design resulted in an angry, spit-slinging outburst.
After exchanging harsh words with Chief Judge Rizgar Mohammed Amin, Saddam refused to return to his trial Wednesday, calling it "an unjust court with bad decorating sense". Hussein was apparently critical of what he saw as the clash of the steel blue drapes against a teal wall. "Who decorated this place, Ray Charles? Now, THIS is an atrocity!" Hussein gestured with a foppish wave of his hand. "I will not return," Saddam said with a dismissive snap of his fingers and head roll. Chief Judge Amin, who selected the color scheme, took personal offense at Hussein's criticism. "Suppose I give you a say in the color of the rope we're going to hang you with?" Amin offered sarcastically to which Saddam retorted, "Sure...I'll just post my choices on my blog site...along with your freaking address and phone number. Have a nice drive home," Hussein waved from his cage.
Saddam's latest in-court histrionics came after the testimony of a woman reputedly abused and tortured by Saddam's agents. Saddam initially sat expressionless, taking notes as the woman, known only as "Witness A," described Saddam as administering electric shocks over a snafu in carpet color at one of his palaces. Hussein suddenly looked up in recognition. "Oh, now I remember you! You're the one that tried to pass that "eggshell" carpet off as "ivory". I ordered IVORY, not eggshell, you moron! There is a difference, you know." However, the recorded testimony of Wadah al-Sheik, an Iraqi intelligence officer who died of cancer last month, disputed Hussein's contention, repeatedly referring to the color in question as "Tusk". Saddam reportedly flew into a rage, spewing his latte across room and screaming, "Go to hell!"
Saddam has previously complained that he is not provided clothes suitable for a stylish former dictator, that he has been deprived of his hair gel and even that his Shiite guards stole his Green Day CD. "And I just got that, too! This is terrorism," he said. When ordered to be quiet, Saddam mockingly remarked, "I thought this was democracy...heh, heh, heh....that's too funny to even say with a straight face!" Saddam could be heard admonishing guards not to mess up his hair before the audio was cut off to the media gallery and the curtain drawn. Reporters could not immediately ascertain if Saddam's Shiite guards had finally "convinced" him that clashing hues of blue in the court room were preferable to the blunt end of a baton.
Iraqi lawyer Bassem al-Khalili told The Associated Press that Saddam was being entirely too damned "prissy" about the ambience of the courtroom and demanded he be brought back to court, forcefully if necessary. "If the colors don't fit, he must still sit," al-Khalili chimed, adding that the once formidable dictator was simply trying to "confuse the issues with hues". Adding to the chaos, Ramsey Clark made statements pleading for a "fair trial"...suggesting to some that Hussein was seeking an insanity plea. "I think him singing I'm a Little Teapot' tipped me off," said a State Department official, who declined to be identified. When asked how such a ploy might play in this trial, he responded, "Who knows. Insanity in Iraq is all relative these days."