In a shocking and bizarre series of experiments, not seen since the bad old days of Nazi Germany, German authorities have taken to testing the 'Deadly Cucumber' outbreak by pushing them into the bottoms of vagrants and prisoners.
"Ve sink zis is ze safest vay of testing ze potency of ze vegetables," said Government spokespersonnage Josef Mengele (no relation).
A suspect cucumber is kettled into the corner of a Supermarket, handled only by a modified Bomb-defusing robot, and taken to a quiet alley. The vagrant will then be lured to the alley with the promise of alcohol where he is stripped, bent over a bin, and the offending vegetable is 'probed' into his anus. He will then be detained until he either succumbs to the deadliness, or appears to be OK.
"If ze cucumber shows itself to be deadly it vill be burned. If it is OK ve simply replace it on ze shelf."
The UK has yet to see any suspicious cucumbers, preferring to continue to monitor a nasty outbreak of Vicious Asparagus. However, it comes as no surprise to the monitoring body Vegattax. Spokespersonnage Dee Compose adds, "It's not that I'm paranoid, but deadly cucumbers will claim more lives. They're lurking in your sandwiches, sitting patiently in supermarkets... waiting... just waiting... see I KNEW this time would come but would anyone listen?
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