Uncle Jacques Wants YOU!

Paris, France
Today, in a nationally televised appeal, Jacques Chirac, President of France, issued an urgent message to all Americans currently in France.
The President of the Republic appealed to all Americans in France to come to the aid of the French forces of order battling the insurgent muslims in the slums of France. "It has become clear to me over the last ten days," the President said, "that we French, despite our advanced culture and amazing culinary skill, lack the necessary resolve to bring order to the poor immigrant communities of our great country. Therefore, I call upon all Americans currently in France to come to our aid." The President continued, in heavily accented English, "Uncle Jacques WANTS YOU! Please help us save our lovely, peace loving country. I am sorry about any past misunderstandings (which were surely due solely to difficulties in translation), but we need you now. I especially appeal to any Texans currently in France to join the newly formed Legion Etats-Unis brigade in our struggle to restore law and order to our Republic--you are our only hope. And by the way Lance, if you are listening, we're really sorry!" Sources said the new Legion will be armed only with American Flags and cowboy hats, and will march through the suburbs of Paris singing America the Beautiful and selections from the Ramones greatest hits. French officials are hopeful that this demonstration of bravery and resolve will convince Arab and African youth to return to their homes and stop burning cars and buildings.
French suburbs have been roiled by rioting for ten days, during which time Arab and African youths have burned thousands of cars and torched dozens of buildings. Rioting has spread beyond Paris to French cities in all corners of the country. French authorities have been unable to calm the situation with statements of concern and offers of state support for the poor suburbs. Said an administration source, "We have attempted to deal with the situation by our traditional methods of capitulation and collaboration, but with no success so far. That is why we are appealing to Americans, who know how to deal with this type of problem better than us."