Written by Rodd Justice
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Topics: Media, Baghdad

Sunday, 12 October 2003

image for IDS Wins Control of Baghdad
IDS: In control

Conservative Party leader Iain Duncan Smith has taken personal control of the streets of Baghdad. The enigmatic leader used his media-manipulation skills and natural charm to win over the once hostile population.

Chaos had reigned in the Iraqi capital, with bombings and grenade attacks a frequent occurrence. The armed gangs that once roamed the streets now worship Duncan Smith, who commands a feeling of fear and awe in all who meet him.

"Saddam bad, Bush bad, Duncan SmithÂ…good sexy man," said a local.

Rival warlords in Baghdad have fled in fear for their lives. This was prompted by a strongly-worded letter from IDS, asking if they would be so good as to stop plotting to blow his brains out.

This strategy was surprisingly effective, thanks mainly to the leader's air of authority.

When asked how he managed to win over a population whose language he doesn't speak, IDS said, "the quiet man style works brilliantly in 21st century politics. By not speaking at all to the people of Iraq, I have been as effective a politician as anyone can possibly be."

The quiet-man is very popular with the people of Iraq, particularly the youngsters. Popsi Cola are in negotiations with IDS to appear on the company's cans after a recent survey found that 93% of Iraqis aged 18-30 idolise the stuffy right-winger and 16% want to have his kids.

"Baldness is a sign of virility," said a swooning beauty.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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