President Barack Obama today declared that the world's number one fugitive Osama Bin Laden was dead. This morning it was announced by Obama, "Bin Laden is dead!". Outside the White House, crowds chanted "Long live President Barack." Osama was killed by US troops in Pakistan late last night.
Osama Bin Laden lived a boring but eventful life. Born 17th of 52 children, he was always a wild card. He did well at his school in Saudi Arabia, where his extra-curricular activities included reading the Koran, flag-burning and Jenga.
As a spoiled rich adult, Bin Laden decided to make his mark on the world through comedy. He started his own comedy troupe called "The Beardy Mohammedans", they would later settle on the more obscure name "Al Qaeda". Throughout the 80s they toured comedy clubs around the world, once appearing alongside Bernard Manning on ITV's "Let's Laugh At The Darkies". This experience is said to have disillusioned the young Bin Laden, and he swore to take his revenge on what he called "that fat unfunny Manc bastard".
Meanwhile, Bin Laden's career began to do well in the Middle East, and he found himself in demand as a motivational speaker for bored Koran-readers. He used this to gain publicity for his comedy stunts, in an attempt to gain more international exposure. He always said he wanted to break into the American comedy market, because "that's where the money was".
However, things went awry when he miscalculated the ingredients of a giant stink bomb in the US embassy in Kenya, and hundreds of people died in the resulting explosion.
Later, he planned to spray itching powder over New York using three hijacked aeroplanes, while a fourth plane would fly over the White House carrying a banner saying "Keep on scratching! It's your old pal Osama." This incident went disastrously wrong and led to Bin Laden becoming number one on the FBI's wanted list.
Shocked at the sudden end to his ambitions, he retired to a mansion in Abbottabad in central Pakistan, where for the last ten years he has lived a peaceful life. Abbott is named after Bin Laden's favourite comedian, Russ Abbott.
In his retirement, Osama would spend most days reading the Koran, watching daytime television and masturbating. Occasionally he would release videos but never managed to get them onto "American's Funniest Home Videos". US agents finally tracked him down yesterday. As he was shot, Bin Laden's last words are claimed to have been "Why did the camel cross the road?"
Bin Laden will probably long be remembered as a cheeky prankster whose japes never quite worked out the way he planned. Already, the search for a new Al Qaeda leader for is under way, in an Afghan television show entitled "Jihad Idol".