Written by MonkeyInTheBath
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Topics: Aliens, Abduction

Sunday, 10 April 2011

image for Alien Abduction Rules Published
This creature may wish to fuck, eat, or communicate with you - or all three if you're lucky

The National Institute for Green Goo Acceptance (NIGGA) has released guidelines on how to behave in the event of an alien abduction. Every year many people around the world are apparently abducted, and their main complaint is that they didn't know how to behave.

The first rule is to stay calm and not panic. Behaving panicky may frighten aliens, who may decide to sedate or even kill you.

You should let the aliens do whatever they want. Remember, they are in control. No doubt they come from a much more futuristic society where their technology is vastly superior to ours. Resistance is futile. If they want to molest you, let them. It might even be enjoyable.

Finally, you should remember to act as smart as possible. The aliens are probably evaluating humanity for our possible future use in the universe. If we are seen to be dumb then we will undoubtedly be harvested like cattle. So try to show some intelligence to these all-knowing creatures. Tell them your favourite musician is Bach, not Britney. Say that you enjoy philosophy, not filling your guts with melted cheese. Pretend to admire Aristotle, not Aniston.

In this way, the aliens will hopefully be satisfied, whether their aim is invasion, sexual gratification or other carnal pleasures. If you have any queries, don't hesitate to contact your nearest NIGGA representative. It's easy to find us, we're the ones who look a little different.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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