Written by attilathehungry
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Tuesday, 29 March 2011

image for Whatever else you do in 2011 don't touch your TFT monitor...
I guess we all knew he'd get us in the end...

At exactly 00.01 hours on April 1st a particularly nasty virus - part Trojan, part Worm, part BLING (Bin Laden is a Ninja Ghost), will hit computer, laptop, and even Blackberry users worldwide and will remain active until 2012.

Known only as E=mc2 or "e-death = much consternation x 2", the virus will be of a hitherto unknown sort which will spread by hand contact with TFT monitors. CRT monitor users will not however be affected.

And that isn't the half of it, because 64-bit machines will be just as vulnerable to attack as their more oldschool 32-bit cousins.

Once your hand makes contact with any part of your TFT monitor, the first sign that you have the virus will be a JET BLACK screen displaying absolutely no icons. Or anything else for that matter. No files, no folders, NOTHING - except blackness.

After a pause of some 4.3 nanoseconds, your monitor will groan out loud and then proceed to melt all over your desktop leaving a puddle of scalding hot white, grey, or black plastic, which will later congeal and turn cold, clearly displaying the message UP YOURS INFIDEL.

Anyone connected to the internet from then on - except of course for Apple users who are immune to everything except snobbery - will be affected if they so much as brush past a TFT monitor.

Widespread chaos has been predicted to follow this most dastardly of virus outbreaks. Indeed several World Leaders may even notice something is amiss after they finish their all-expenses-paid outings to a stripjoint, but before they see the little lady and greet her with the familiar "hi honey I'm home", followed shortly by "for God's sake don't touch your laptop, dear". To which the little lady will reply "my laptop's fine, darling - how was your lapdance?"

Seriously though, the E=mc2 virus may well signal the end of the internet as we know it. Worldwide chaos will ensue, followed by a significant amount of panic. Facebook and Twitter will no longer serve to connect people, e-mail will be a thing of the past, and we may have to confront a new age of letter-writing by hand. On paper. That is if anyone can still remember how to use a ballpoint, or worse still a fountain pen.

Sales of writing implements, ink, paper, envelopes, and postage stamps will soar stratospherically, and most people will have to remember how to spell their native language without the use of an automated spell-checker.

Now there's a scary thought if ever there was one!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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