President Barack Obama opened up the first federal attack on bullying in schools by convening a press conference and stating unequivocally, "I don't care how many times you see me kissing Michelle's shoes, I do it willingly. It's not because of bullying. Bullying is bad. Kinky, however, is good!"
Meanwhile, embattled Libyan dictator, Moammar Khadaffi, held his own press conference in Tripoli and launched a verbal assault on President Obama, who is said to be strong-arming the dictator to stop killing his people.
"That madman in Washington, D.C. is to be a hypocrite," began Khadaffi. " He is to be saying 'no' to bullying. Then instead, he yells to me that I to be bad man and to be getting out of Libya and to be stop bleeding my people and I to be dropping dead. That is to be bullying and he is to be bullying me! Why he no bully my horny friend, Berlusconi?"