Written by Baz Barry
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Sunday, 13 February 2011

The leader of the conservative Liberal Party opposition in Australia's Federal Parliament has been embarrassed by a slip of the tongue during a visit to Afghanistan in which TV cameras caught him in discussion with the American commander of the allied forces, referring to the recent death of an Australian soldier with the expression "S#*t happens."

When confronted by an intrepid television journalist and asked to explain his apparently off-hand and uncaring remark, Mr. Abbott, wary of his previous faux-pas,responded with a well-considered and thoughtful "F#!k off."

Not to be denied, the journalist asked Mr. Abbott whether his language was appropriate for a man who was offering himself as an alternative leader of the country. After a quick consultation with his minders, Mr. Abbott responded with the statement "We live in a democracy in which freedom of speech is encouraged. The people of Australia know this and I'm sure that they know where I'm coming from when I say that I don't give a flying f#!k about some pencil-dick journalist trying to make a name for himself by ambushing the leader of Her Majesty's Loyal Opposition on his way to open a f#!**%g Child Care Centre."

The journalist then queried whether Mr. Abbott's insensitive remark was a sleight against the deceased soldier's sacrifice for his country and also hurtful to the soldier's wife and family. Mr. Abbott replied "Let me put it this way if I can. Not a single f#!k has been given by anybody about this. It's a typical Leftist media attack upon me; an absolute beat-up. He walked into a frigging bullet for f#!ks sake- these things happen in war, as I, er, said."

Mr. Abbott's office has issued a statement about the incident in which it is pointed out that the expression "S#*t happens" was invented by U.S.Secretary of State Forrest Gump and it has become part of the accepted political lexicon when describing a situation for which nobody wants to accept responsibility." Sen. Gump, the architect of the allied war effort in Afghanistan has defended Mr. Abbott's reaction to the soldier's death, describing him as a "straight-up fella and a good ol' boy" and reflecting that "life is like a box of frogs - you just never know when one of them little critters is going to leap out and bite you on the bu-ttocks".

Prime Minister Julia Gillard, when asked to comment on the incident, said that the people of Australia should not be surprised when her honourable opponent in the House of Representatives, a former seminary student and journalist, stoops to such depths. "When my government sends young men off to die in a wretched foreign land, the least we can expect from our political leaders is meaningless platitudes and patronising ramblings about pride and duty. Mr. Abbott is, without doubt, a prize f#!kwit."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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