Written by anthonyrosania
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Topics: Haiti, Pulp Fiction

Tuesday, 18 January 2011

image for 'Baby Doc' Duvalier: I Returned To Get My Father's Watch. Bedside Table, On The Kangaroo
" hid with that uncomfortable hunk of metal up my ass for two years."

Former Haitian dictator Jean-Claude "Baby Doc" Duvalier was taken into custody Tuesday and transported to a courthouse, just a few days after sneaking back into Haiti, ostensibly to retrieve some jewelry he left behind when exiled some 25 years ago.

"I had to return to Haiti, the place of my birth, to get my Father's watch," said Baby Doc, who is accused of siphoning money from Haiti's treasury into his family's pockets during his rule which ended with a popular rebellion in 1986. "You know what my father went through to get me that watch? I don't wanna get into it right now, but he went through a lot."

Under Duvalier's presidency, thousands were killed and tortured, and hundreds of thousands of Haitians fled into exile, according to a certain, leading human rights activist group (whose name would get this entire piece rejected.)

"Duvalier's return to Haiti should be for one purpose only: to face justice," said Jose Miguel Vivanco, Americas director of that certain human rights activist group. (Like PETA, but for people. Think 'Sting'.) "His time to be held accountable is long overdue."

Baby Doc explained that he had no real desire to return to Haiti, what with it being all messy and stuff. It was his wife, who forgot the watch, which forced him to return.

"Of all the f--king things she oulda forgot, she forgets my father's watch," explained Baby Doc. "I specifically reminded her not to forget it. 'bedside table, on the kangaroo'. I said the words, 'Don't forget my father's watch.' "

The Duvalier family f--ked up Haiti for three decades, starting in 1957 when Francois "Big POPPA Doc" Duvalier was elected president. He later declared himself Head Muckity-Muck For Life. When he died in 1971, he was succeeded by his son, then only 19.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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