Written by P.M. Wortham
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Tuesday, 21 December 2010

image for Vatican Repeals Don't Ask, Don't Tell Policy
Fr. Fitzpatrick ready, willing and able to drop the basic black garb.

Following the lead from U.S. political and armed forces leadership, the Vatican has announced the lifting of their own "Don't ask, don't tell" policy, allowing priests and nuns to openly disclose gay or lesbian tendencies without fear of reprisal.

Advocates of this truly historical change say that the announcement from the Pope was a step towards honesty and openness among the clergy, while bolstering ecumenical relationships with other religions. "We had to stop the hypocritical behavior first", says Father Henry Fitzpatrick of the Peoria Catholic Society, "denying our own sexual identity meant that leadership of our own congregations were all based on lies, and quite frankly, I like wearing the Puce vestments with a Lavender scarf".

Critics of the Vatican's new policy are outraged over the discussion of sexual orientation at all, given the priest's vow of celibacy and dedication to God. "If our Lord wanted us to engage in disgusting sexual behavior, heterosexual or otherwise, he would have written something about it in the New Testament", said childless spinster, Mabel Vagicobb. "But, men preferring men and women preferring women, especially among our spiritual leaders? Armageddon! End of days! The four horsemen of the apocalypse! Dogs and cats living together!" Ms. Vagicobb was quickly offered a Valium and a glass of water.

"I think it was time", says Father Fitzpatrick. "It is the way of the world and there's no sense in denying it. As priests, we still adhere to our vow of celibacy". Father Fitzpatrick was observed holding the day's mail and a copy of Man Muscle Magazine. Spotting our reporters spotting his subscription, Fitzpatrick commented with a blush, "I read it for tips on vitamin supplements".

In a related local story, newly ordained priest Father Patrick Fitzhenry, will be joining Father Henry Fitzpatrick at Our Lady of Ethereal Bliss in Peoria for an extended assignment. Father Fitzpatrick was reportedly thrilled to finally have somebody under him at the parish.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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