Written by anthonyrosania
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Topics: Massage, Craigslist

Sunday, 19 December 2010

image for Mrs. Lee Gives So Many Happy Endings, Her Fingers Smoke

For Chinese massages parlors nationwide, a new rallying cry is heard from crappy stripmall storefront to shady semi-finished basement:

'If we can beat 'em (off), join 'em'!

"Borrowing from the blunt lexicon of the more libidinous precincts of Craigslist," said parlor owner Mrs. Lee, who gives so many handjobs every day her fingers smoke. "We've commenced a M4M massage service. Because, indeed, some customers really do prefer the masculine embrace of a gentleman masseur while on the table."

The embrace of new media is especially interesting given the tradition of similar establishments peddling their wares in the back pages of Pliladelphia's City Paper, or the Village Voice.

Regardless, it's good to see a humble local business like this get a grip on modern technology. And heartening to see even in 2010, there's room for digital stimulation, old school and new.

"Look, this is the way I feed my kids," cries Mistress Alahna, who clearly didn't pay attention in high school. "How am I going to meet up with men who pay me to tug on their junk?"

Much to the chagrin to Comic-con season ticket holders, apartment-rental-scam website Craigslist has censored its adult services section throughout North America, after legal pressure from at least 17 states.

"It is disgusting, immoral and illegal," said New York Governor David Patterson, who has never read a single ad on Craigslist, for some reason. "I will see to it that Craigslist gets out of the 'rub my penis for money' business. Well, I won't 'see' it, actually, but you know what I mean."

The site posts lists of 'for sale' and 'wanted' ads under such sub-sections as property, jobs, personals, and send money to Nigerian scam-artists.

But the 'erotic' list in the services section, which has ads from prostitutes and escort services, was today replaced by the word 'censored' dramatically written in a black logo.

"Do you know what my day is like," said Khloe, an overweight 19-year-old Mexican-American full-body massage expert. "I dress like Xtina, and service smelly, middle-aged men for $15 a ball-load."

"And the only way I get clients is by advertising on craigslist. What am I going to do? Get a job as a housekeeper, or a farmhand, or do paid survey service, or work at a car wash, or unload trucks overnight at Target, or landscaping, or as a table-cleaner in a restaurant, or as a baby-sitter, or do hotel room cleaning, or bilingual medical billing, or pick fruit, or give lap dances," Khloe continued.

"There's nothing out there for me."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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