Written by Moby
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Topics: Earth

Sunday, 7 August 2005

image for Ragnarok to Start Next Tuesday
Odin, One-Eyed Wonder

ASGARD--After a millennium or so of waiting, the Norse Gods have finally announced plans to begin Ragnarok, the divine war that will temporarily end all life on earth.

Odin, the father of the gods, will lead the forces of good into battle, despite already knowing that he will be killed. "I'm supposed to fight a giant wolf, and he's suppose to eat me. Then my son will tear him in halfÂ…or something like that. It's all been very carefully planned, really."

Planned, and carefully practiced. The Gods have been rehearsing the epic battle for weeks, to ensure that all of the details are properly considered.

Thor, a popular favorite, is also doomed to die in battle alongside a number of his celestial cohorts. In fact, nobody is suppose to survive, save for one god, Balder, who is according to most accounts already dead.

"It's complicated," reports Freya, Goddess of Beauty and Love. "Balder was shot to death with a sprig of Mistletoe, and Papa Odin went through Hell to get him back, but couldn't...so we're going to war over it, and when everyone is dead, Balder gets to come back to life to repopulate the earth. It's not fair, but hey, that's Norse mythology for you."

In the meantime, Freya is sprucing up Valhalla, the mythic hall for legendary warriors who have died, in anticipation of the carnage to come.

The leader of the resistance is none other than trouble-maker Loki, who was once in good standing with the Gods. With the knowledge that he and his deformed animal-children will all die in battle, Loki has some reservations. "I'm the bad guy, but I don't really want to be. And I'm going to lose. That's the part that really pulls at my beard. I've been preparing for this for centuries, but in the end, the earth is only going to be incinerated before completely reflourishing. All of my efforts will be wasted."

The events will start roughly around 3:00 on Tuesday afternoon, following a barbeque lunch and greatly anticipated game of touch-football. The people of the world are invited to the picnic, but are also encouraged to run for their lives, though it is likely that they will all be killed no matter what.

Though the world will be demolished, fate has designated two survivors to repopulate the earth. The couple is Lifthrasir and Lif Jones of Scotchplains, NJ, and with names like that it is only fitting that the pair be allowed to live.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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