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Sunday, 18 September 2005

TEHRAN (Wreuters) - Iran's new President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said on Saturday the Islamic Republic "Thumbs its nose at the E.U. and U.S. and plans to continue playing with plutonium." Ahmadinejad continues, "Pressing our luck is the Iranian way." "The US didn't spank us for ransacking their embassy, so, WHAT ME WORRY?"

Apparently oblivious to U.S. President Bush's "Invade now, and Find the WMDs later" approach, the former Tehran mayor said his foreign policy seeks to reduce international threats. "Believe me, once we have the bomb, we ain't gonna take no dis[respect] from nobody in this 'hood.

The possibility of a pre-emptive nuclear strike by the U.S. or Israel against fuel enrichment facilities apparently hadn't crossed Ahmadinejad's mind.

"The Iranian nation cannot be intimidated" claimed Ahmadinejad, seemingly unaware of the chaos, starvation, and utter disorder in Iraq and Afghanistan, neighboring states which previously chose to thumb their nose at the world's pre-eminent superpower.

"We're offering them Door #1 and Door #2, but if they keep pushing, we'll show them what's behind Door #3, and it's a sky full of B-52 bombers" said an unnamed Pentagon spokesperson.

A spokesman for President Bush, who even critics acknowledge "For once is trying to wage peace and work through intermediaries," said "the European Union on Friday offered Iran a package of incentives to scrap nuclear fuel work. Said the spokesman, "We've offered them the carrot, and if they don't become smart rabbits real soon, we're going to give them the stick. 'The Big Stick.'"

Iran, which denies U.S. accusations that its nuclear energy program is a hookah-screen for making atomic bombs, said on Saturday the EU proposal was unacceptable. It says it will remove U.N. seals from some nuclear equipment this week. Otters and penguins will be allowed to stay.

Ahmadinejad, 48, who some claim is one of the captors of the 56 hostages held during the Carter Administration, "Has a lot of learning to do" according to Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. "It took us two weeks to depose Saddam Hussein. How long does Ahmadinejad think he'll last when we start dropping MOABs (Mother of All Bombs) on his presidential retreats? Hasn't he seen the footage on CNN?"

"Said another anonymous Pentagon aide, "The Iranian people have running water, electricity, satellite tv, only slightly rigged elections, even some newspapers. If they prefer living like Fred Flintstone back in the Stone Age over a few pounds of plutonium Uncle Sam will be glad to accomodate them."

Religious conservatives enjoy a monpoly on power in Iran, dominating parliament and controlling key bodies such as the armed forces, judiciary and broadcast media. "We applaud their faith, but Allah isn't going to step in and save these folks from the 101st Airborne," said theater commander General Dwight Rightucker, who was observed packing his duffel bag.

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