Written by John Nugent
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Topics: Attacks, Security

Thursday, 11 September 2003

image for September 11th anniversary: predicted attacks 'bollocks'
Bollocks to that!

The leaders and officials of the world are today trying to think up of a some sort of scandal about Arnold Schwarzeneggar to hide the embarassing news that their 9/11 security alerts were pointless.

For the past three months, security officials have been putting the military and the police on Really Really Red Alert, expecting terrorist attacks of "astronomically gargantuous" proportions, and advising every woman and child to don gas masks and space suits, and live "in a basement below your basement."

Speaking on September 9th, defence secretary Geoff Hoon warned: "Our intelligence [pause for sniggering to die down] has told us that we can expect an attack of approximately 40 billion times worse than than those of the Twin Towers."

But with Osama Bin Laden currently in Terrorist Rehab, and Saddam Hussein using strange mind tricks to make everyone forget him, terrorist activities have been few and far between.

The worst reported crime on September 11th was a Charlotte Church CD being stolen from a Sainsbury's Local in Wolverhampton. A police spokesman said no-one was injured in the crime.

Meanwhile, in the US, where a curfew is in place between the hours of 12.05pm to 12pm, "President" George Bush has spent his entire education and welfare budget on stocking up on Antrax antibiotic pills. However, with his advisers off sick with an almost certainly terrorist-induced illness, the "President" inadvertedly bought 30 billion Vitamin D tablets. "My poppa always said, eat lots of oranges and the world smiles with your dentist," the President claimed.

Arnold Schwarzeneggar is quoted as saying: "I was young and I needed the money."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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