VATICAN CITY - Pope Benedict XVI just increased his popularity by about 500 percent after announcing that he has decided to allow males permission to use condoms.
The Pope, aka Joseph "Joey" Aloisius Ratzinger, told a reporter for the Venice Gondola Gazette, Gino Ribbapalino, that he decided to change his papal position due to the fact that he has been receiving over 19,000 emails, phone calls, and text messages daily asking him to do so.
He noted that nearly ten percent of the pleas pointed out that if he agreed to allow the use of condoms that it would instantly help to relieve stress, anxiety, tension, nervousness, consternation, and even constipation.
The Pope said that he will sign the Vatican Condom Directive (VCD-19254337) immediately and added that the only stipulation is that the condoms must be purchased from the Vatican's souvenir shop and only the Vatican's souvenir shop.
He pointed out that if someone purchases and uses a condom that was not purchased in the manner he has stipulated that the rubber user will be disqualified from the church, his name will be put on the condom violators list on the Pope's personal Internet site, and the guilty individual will be damned to hell.
SIDENOTE: The pope was asked if he is willing to make exceptions on a person-to-person basis and Benny 16 replied, "Read my lips dude. No! No! and let me stress it better, hell no!"