In a recent scientific study conducted in the US, Urologists have found that increased lap top use by males could cause infertility, lack of sex drive, and in a worst case scenario 'fried bollocks!"
Heading the team of Scrotal Scientists was Canadian Award Winning Urologist Sir Victor Nicholas who conducted the clinical study in San Francisco where he found it easier to find subjects willing to "have their balls hooked up to a meat thermometer under laboratory conditions."
Shocking results proved that holding a lap top over your privates for as little as 10-15 minutes raised the scrotal temperature a minimum of 1 degree Centigrade which can harm sperm activity and potency.
One hour searching the internet or checking on your 'Friends' can raise scrotal temperature over 2.5 degrees Centigrade with results similar to that found in micro waving 'boil in a bag dim sung Chinese Soup!"
During the tests, subjects used mouse pads, pillows, inflatable seat cushions, the Sunday Edition of the Isle of Wight newspaper, and even 2 layers of 5/8" Fire Code sheetrock from China, with similar results: Balls still overheated!
Said Doc Nicholas, "Scrotal Hyperthermia is serious business, especially if you keep you knees together for an extended period of time. If you must continue to use your lap top on your lap, it is recommended that you spread you knees at least once every 37 seconds, unless you''re wearing kilts of course, and if in a public place, surreptitiously move your scrotum around to provide thermal cooling....if your balls are cramped they're obviously going to overheat...any numb nuts knows that!"
Nicholas said the studies would continue to find other threatening activities to the male reproductive system. According to tests just started, continued addiction to lap dancing experiences has not yet been tabulated due to the rather large amount of volunteers who showed up for the trials.
"We have noticed a flushing of the face and an increase of blood flow to various appendages, but we haven't gathered enough data yet to determine whether lap dancing is going to prove a scrotal hazard," said a deadly serious Nicholas.
Meanwhile, elf 'n safety officials are taking note of the findings, and are said to be poised to issue stringent restrictions regarding public use of laptops
by young UK males.
An unofficial source from Brussels said that the Council of Ministers was 'concerned' and had been monitoring the "UK condition for some time as the latest scientific poll showed almost 1/3 of males in the Realm were either gay or could go either way....when the number approaches 51% it's time to think about banning all laptops....and probably computers, micro waves, cell phones, garage door openers and some such...after all, at this rate the Monarchy could be left with no natural heirs in less than 2 generations!"