Written by Dave Stewart

Print this
Topics: Donny Osmond, uganda

Saturday, 30 October 2010

image for Donny Osmond elected president of Uganda

In what was a widely anticipated election result, 1970s pop star Donny Osmond has become successful in his bid to become the elected President of the Republic Of Uganda. It had become apparent by the early hours of the morning that Donny Osmond's victory was clear and that a mandate for his presidency was overwhelmingly approved. After securing 72.5% of the electorate, Donny Osmond flew to the capital Kampala to accept the former President's resignation call.

From a public telephone box Donny Osmond received a message of congratulations from former President Yoweri Museveni, and a pledge of bi-partisan support from the Opposition party where-ever possible. Donny Osmond's victory takes place in what most political analysts have described as the most democratic and accessible presidential election in Uganda's history. An estimated 7.2 million Ugandans voted yesterday in an election which took place largely without disturbance, despite some voting logistics issues in outlying areas of the country.

Following his phone call with former President Yoweri Museveni, the new elected President Donny Osmond travelled by jeep to his campaign headquarters in the Isingiro District to celebrate victory with his campaigners and other voters alike. Unbeknownst to Donny Osmond in advance, 175,000 well-wishers formed a crowd rivalling that of Barack Obama's historic victory in 2010.

In front of the aforementioned masses, Donny Osmond stepped onto the stage to his address the people, who across this historic election, he referred to as his "African Brothers And Sisters."

A benign Miltonesque Pandæmonium erupted, in noises ranging from cheers of ecstasy to crying in euphoria, and in addition the sirens of a police car being called to a nearby district due to a fight involving a Chicken Biryani Masala.

An anticipatory hush descended upon the crowds as Donny Osmond prepared to speak. He then proceeded to make what some political analysts are already calling a speech rivalling 'in resonance and reason', Socrates' titanic Defence to the judiciary of ancient Athens.

"Oh Uganda - Source of the Nile - Source of Life. How you have triumphed over tragedy, have you not? Have not your people, oh Uganda, since the Empire of Kitara, fought for what is right and virtuous? Liberty, equality, fairness, justice ... compassion. Yes, compassion. I say to all you who thirst for leadership, I have never, will never, and shall never walk on by on the other side of the road! This applies to all officially recognised roads in this glorious nation, with the exception of roads B59, B12, and B4 in the Kiryandongo District; these roads are being refurbished under the Roads and Maintenance Act 1972.

Let the word go forth, people of this chosen nation, let it go forth not just across this great land but across this golden continent at large, that today is not a victory for Donny Osmond, or for the Jitterbug Party, but a victory for you, you who are the salt of the earth. And let the word go forth, to friend and foe alike, that a new sound has taken hold of this cherished nation, a new wave of opportunity breezes in the Summer wind, the sound of hope, of fairness: the sound of Donny Osmond.

Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls:

Coal and gold and tin
Are only miner reasons
Why a man like me
Would proudly take a stand

I believe in justice
Fairness everlasting
Hold hands with me Uganda
I'm your leading man

All this perpetual messing
It only leads to stressing
With heart, and my mind,
So Africa, let's all unwind

My brother Jimmy sends his wishes
But he's caught up in a war over his image
His tan is more acute across the hours
But when I said support Uganda ....

All I meant was send some flowers!

So don't love me for fun
Let me be the one
(That you elected democratically)
Every women, every man.
Every woman ...., every man."

And with that, the great man left the stage.

Donny's new album is released February 2012.

Make Dave Stewart's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this


Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!


What's 3 multiplied by 2?

3 6 23 18

Go to top ^