BREAKING NEWS - NEWS BREAKING - Due to the lack of news in the world and the drab boring snippets that are being aired by the planets media channels Fox News have taken matters into their own hands and are trying to improve the quality of reports.
On CBS Lunchtime News today the top story was about a dog with a limp that stole a Pork Chop from a pensioners bag in Houston.
Fox News owner Media Mogul Rupert "Mad" Murdoch has dipped into his coffers and come up with some quite drastic measures to generate decent and entertaining events after rating have plummeted 40%.
At the Paris Airshow last week Murdoch ordered 18 Boeing 777- 400's at a cost of $792m to be delivered to Air Taliban based at Tora Bora Airport. In a separate move Rupert secured a deal for Michael Jackson to open a 120 bed Childrens holiday centre in Michigan.
OJ Simpson has been sent a new pair of gloves and a voucher for $25 to spend at a hardware store. Bill Clinton has been sent the telephone number of Dial an Intern, Chemical Ali a Chemistry Set from Toys R Us and Saddam Hussein a cake with a file in it. Ariel Sharron has been sent a Palestinian Sex Doll that blows itself up.
They have also asked model and mum Jordan to apply for the post of Leader of the Conservative Party. Also Dawn French is being sponsored to parachute into the Indian Ocean without a parachute hoping that this would create another Tsunami.
The idea was prompted by Channel 4 reporters who threw water over Tom Cruise at the London premier of his latest flick War of the Worlds. The story itself was relatively low key but add an extra twist and it would not be out of the media for days.
The method has been extended to sport. Fox News has sent phials of Agent Orange to all male tennis players at Wimbledon with the exception of Tim Henman who is expected to play himself in the final. They have also cut all of Tiger Wood's clubs in half.
As for the weather, this also has not escaped some headlining. Fox weather is forecasting a heat wave in the Arctic with melting ice raising sea levels in New York by 15 metres. To head off any sceptics Fox have put 40 rowing boats on Broadway with a guy in a sandwich board trying to rent them out for $20 per hour.