Written by Rob Norman
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Topics: Iraq, Hollywood

Tuesday, 21 June 2005

image for Imprisoned Saddam embracing American culture
Wannabe 'wise guy' Saddam demands his fuggin DVDs back

Baghdad, Iraq - Held in a US military compound awaiting trail for crimes against the people of Iraq, Saddam Hussein has been slowly warming up to Hollywood's version of American culture under the tutelage of US National Guardsmen.

"We let him watch the Sopranos Season One DVD that my sister sent me for Christmas last year," National Guardsman Anthony Castriano told ABC reporters. "He couldn't get enough of it. Now he's like ‘fuggin this and fuggin that.' He's starting to sound like my Uncle Vince. It's fuggin hilarious."

Not so hilarious to US officials, however. Brigadier General Frank Hoffman, commander of the responsible Guard unit, has expressed outrage at the behavior of his troops. "I told them to give him some Doritos and let him watch a little TV," he said. "Just the wholesome stuff, I told them. You know, The Discovery Channel, The History Channel, programming like that. I thought maybe he'd learn something. Next thing you know he's demanding Capicolla from the mess hall and threatening to have people ‘whacked.'"

"I'm starting to fuggin like you guys," Saddam reportedly told a prison guard. "Maybe America's not so bad after all. At least fuggin New Jersey anyway… As long as that fuggin Johnny Saks minds his own fuggin business."

Hoffman assured officials that all DVDs of questionable content have been removed from Saddam's cell. An unnamed source revealed today that a hardcore pornography disc as well as copies of Pulp Fiction, Scarface, Who Wants to be a Millionaire: Season Two, Sponge Bob Square Pants: Season One, and American Chopper: Season Three were among the items confiscated.

"We've changed Saddam's entertainment regiment to be consistent with the recommendations of the US State Department," Hoffman said in a press release. "He will be restricted to watching television that represents wholesome American values or nothing at all."

The State Department today announced the formation of a special committee to study the effects of wholesome entertainment on deposed Middle Eastern dictators. "The exact composition of the group has not yet been determined, but it will certainly include a cross section of our mainstream society."

When told of the decision to censor his entertainment regiment, Saddam replied, "You guys… "

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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