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Monday, 13 June 2005

image for Iraqi Tribunal Quizzes Saddam on Massacres
Is that your final answer?

BAGHDAD -- An Iraqi judge has formally submitted questions to Saddam Hussein and prosecutors seem to be concentrating on several cases concerning his alleged crimes. Many of these received international attention during Saddam's three decades in power the Iraqi special tribunal said on Monday.

Iraqi government officials have said they would like to put Saddam on trial in the next few months, before an election, based on his answers to the questionnaire. Below are excerpts of both the questions and the available answers Saddam Hussein has in his possession.

(1) You, Saddam Hussein, experienced and survived an assassination attempt in Dujail in 1982. Your response to this was
(a) Kill those Yankee bastards
(b) Don't tell me that was a soccer ball
(c) Another slow news day at Al Jazeera, eh?
(d) Oh great … again already this week?

(2) You, Saddam Hussein, chose to deal with the Kurdish Barzani tribe, of which the current Kurdistan Democratic Party leader, Massoud Barzani, belongs by
(a) Forcing 8,000 Kurds watch "Gilligan's Island" over and over for 927 consecutive hours
(b) Telling an offensive joke which began "A Kurd, a Rabbi and a lobster walk into a bar….."
(c) Making them an offer they couldn't refuse
(d) Telling Chemical Ali that "Massoud Barzani can kiss my ass"

(3) You, Saddam Hussein, remember the 1988 chemical weapons attack on the Kurdish town of Halabja that killed an estimated 5,000 people
(a) Was actually supposed to be a fireworks display and went horribly wrong
(b) Was really a Chemical Brothers concert for 500 people
(c) The initial trial site for spray-on Viagra
(d) A vague memory since all those Kurd villages kinda look the same

(4) You, Saddam Hussein, executed prominent religious and political figures because
(a) It just seemed a good idea at the time
(b) General Ahmed Bakr said there was no way you could get good press in Iraq, no matter how hard you try to make the people happy…. and you believed you would prove him wrong
(c) You were merely practicing for your ultimate attempt to take out both Jimmy Swaggart and Senator Edward Kennedy
(d) Sometimes the world just needs a little tidying up

(5) You, Saddam Hussein, ordered the seven-month occupation of Kuwait that was ended by the 1991 U.S.-led Gulf War because
(a) You wanted to get that sweet, sweet petroleum before anyone else had the chance
(b) You heard Paris may be nice in the spring, but Kuwait City sure is hopping in the summer
(c) What's a little extra land between Muslims anyway
(e) If you rearrange the letters and cross your eyes a bit, Kuwait actually spells "Southeastern Iraq"

Depending on the responses, Iraqi officials believe the scruffy ex-leader, who could face 500 charges if prosecutors were to proceed on all counts, will be convicted. However, as with all political leaders and personal friends of Donald Rumsfeld, Saddam Hussein may then be transported to a secret, undisclosed luxury resort location where he will commence writing his memoirs and detailing exactly why there were so many Britney Spears posters on the wall of his Baghdad palace. If this autobiography is commercially successful, there is a possible movie deal for Mr. Hussein.

At this time there is speculation Kevin Spacey could be slated for the part of Hussein and Carrot Top would play "Chemical Ali" (Ali Hassan al-Majid) when the screenplay goes into production. It is uncertain if the Olsen twins, Mary Kate and Ashley, will play the parts of Saddam Hussein's executed sons, Uday and Qusay Hussein.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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