Written by the_sanfelippo
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Topics: Earth, Peace

Saturday, 11 June 2005

image for Bush Has New Middle Earth Peace Strategy: "We Got The Ring, So Let's Use It"
Rumsfeld reacts to the idea of sending hobbits with the ring into Mordor.

Called in to broker a peace agreement in the nearby universe of Middle Earth, President Bush has analyzed the political situation involving the war against the Dark Lord Sauron and come to the following conclusions: "I'm thinking the only way to get peace is to make peace. How do you make peace? Well first ya gotta make war. We got the ring, so let's use it!"

But Gandalf the Gray, wizard and longtime advocate for peace and stability in Middle-Earth says such a strategy would be disastrous. "I don't know why Elrond called this bumbling fool from another world to give us advice, but I do know that using the ring would be folly. The only way to defeat the enemy is to destroy the ring. If Bush were to use the ring, he would become a wraith-like creature waging war from sun up until sundown."

"But how in the hell are you gonna destroy it?" asked Donald Rumsfeld who entered Middle Earth with Bush through a 'Universe Portal' located somewhere deep beneath the Pentagon. "What are you gonna do wizard, send a bunch of furry-footed little men right into Mordor? No, no, I know a thing or two about infiltrations, and that would never work. Just because you got that long white beard and a magic staff doesn't mean you're the one with the brains around here. Remember, Elrond sent for us precisely because you fools couldn't reach a decision. And as far as I'm concerned these hobbits are mental midgets, they would never be able to get past the enemy."

Elrond half-elven, who initially sent for Bush to come in and act as an unbiased third party says he's now regretting his decision. "To be honest I sent for them out of desperation. But now that they're here, they might as well leave again. The only option these men see is war, war, war, war, war. I heard them joking in the hallway about how if they had creatures as obviously evil as orcs in their world the media would probably pin them to the wall for something as silly as slaying a few million of the brutes. Also, they raided my supply of lemba cakes and Bush pissed off one of the dwarven elders by asking him his religion made him keep the beard. "

Following the long council meeting in which members were forced to endure Bush's bad jokes and Rumsfelds icy glares, Frodo Baggins, resident of the Shire and friend of Gandalf's came up with a suggestion that is now seriously being considered. "We could send the ring back with this idiot to his world and be rid of it."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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