Written by Sidney Bollocks
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Topics: Police

Thursday, 14 October 2010

image for Police officer jailed for vicious assaults on partygoers
Queensland police officers on school crossing duty

Just in from our Castlemaine XXXX sponsored correspondent in Australia: A Queensland police officer, Senior Cunstable Fred Fascist-Bastard, has been jailed for the rest of his natural life, with forced transportation to England, where he will be handsomely paid for doing fuck all. This follows vicious assaults on two young partygoers in Cairns, after they were arrested for minor drunkeness and public order offences.

After being taken into custody, one of the victims, a young waitress, was slammed into the custody sergeant's desk and lifted off the ground by her hair, before being thrown to the floor and repeatedly punched. The young male was punched numerous times, before a fire hose was forced down his throat, almost drowning him.

Not surprisingly, as this occurred inside a police watch house, all of these events were captured by CCTV cameras, along with images of the nine other officers who looked on, but did nothing to stop Cunstable Fascist-Bastard.

Of the nine officers, one eventually blew the whistle. She has since left the force, after death threats from her colleagues, and now works for an organised crime syndicate in Melbourne. Five officers resigned voluntarily and have become members of parliament. Three officers remain on active duty with the service.

The Queensland Police Service's Unethical Standards Command is now investigating the three officers, but has refused to name them and has already ruled out criminal charges. Inspector Eric Dingo said "We always investigate our own and answer to no fucker. These officers will get a slap on the wrists and then get posted to a nice cushy desk job".

Police Commissioner Bob Knackersack said, "We acknowledge there are improvements that can be made in officer training, but since East Germany fell and the Stasi ceased to exist, we have struggled to maintain our standards. We are currently in negotiations with Chinese and Iranian police trainers to come over and teach our officers a more softly-softly approach".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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