'Por favor - Geez us back our towels'

A huge diplomatic row between Britain and Spain reached boiling point last night. Relations between the two countries - who have had their differences in the past over the disputed ownership of Gibraltar - have sunk to an all time low.

Madrid has demanded the unconditional and immediate return of an estimated SEVEN MILLION plain white bath towels it claims that British holidaymakers have stolen from its thousands of hotels up and down the Costas.

Tension between the two countries has reached breaking point after Spain threatened to impose sanctions on British tourists if its demands were not met.

If these are brought into force, the furious Spanish government will instruct its market traders not to sell fake designer T-shirts and Rolex watches to British tourists under any circumstances - except in cases of extremely generous bribery.

Meanwhile, a furious Tony Blair warned: "Make no mistake! If they don't back down, I won't go to France for my holidays anymore on the grounds that it is joined on to Spain." He stressed, however, that Britain was still striving for a peaceful settlement and at this stage air strikes could be ruled out - probably.