(Giza, Egypt---AP) First Lady Laura Bush struck a pose in front of the pyramids yesterday and turned back the hands of time on her rhetoric, praising dictatorships, slavery and other "old school" principles. Praising Hoshi Mubarak's 24 year dictatorship as a "very bold and wise first step" towards freedom in the Middle East, she observed intently as slave labor hauled large blocks of stone from the Nile river valley and hoisted the slabs up inclined planes, constructing the first new pyramids in 5000 years. Seizing the opportunity for a photo-op, Laura playfully seized the whip of a foreman and flogged a work crew that was falling behind. "I sure wish this was still legal in the States," she remarked, alluding to the great haste which accompanied the implementation of political freedoms in America.
Bush said that sometimes "you have to be slow" when implementing political freedoms. She noted that the United States allowed slavery long after the Constitution was adopted. "You know that each step is a small step, that you can't be quick. It's not always wise to be," she said.
Mrs. Bush went on to place the current trade deficit between the U.S. and China squarely on the shoulders of reforms that outlawed slavery. No longer able to compete as effectively, jobs were outsourced to Mexico and China creating that "sucking sound" that Ross Perot described more than a decade ago. "If we had preserved the slave class, all of our American jobs would still be in America," she said. Outlining the rise in economic power of the U.S. during the early 1800's as a result of slave labor, and the exponential rise in productivity in the South prior to the Civil War, Laura Bush waxed nostalgic at those glory days when the "minimum wage" was a moot point.
Mrs. Bush was more reflective when queried about the advent of a woman's right to vote. "I don't really think that that was a major mistake as long as women recognize their proper place, and vote for the candidate their husband chooses," she gushed. Mrs. Bush outlined a series of social and economic reforms preparing to be set in motion in the back States, including the importation of a new underclass of foreigners to fill the void left when slavery was abolished. Quoting Mexican President Vicente Fox, Mrs. Bush said these "neo-slaves" will perform all the jobs formerly performed by blacks and at a fraction of the cost. The reforms are scheduled to be rolled out over the next three years, more rapidly once the Supreme Court is "properly staffed", Mrs. Bush said.
However, all of The First Lady's trip was not as smooth. She was heckled by protesters at the Western Wall and the Dome of the Rock, while Israeli police and U.S. Secret Service agents had to hold back the crowds and aggressive local news media who tried to rush Bush. The First Lady was never in any real danger, as the Secret Service mowed down the first few lines of hecklers with automatic weapons fire while the Israeli police detained all Arab by-standers for suspicion. "That how we do it Old School style," said Mrs. Bush. Mrs. Bush's next stop is Uzbekistan where she will meet with hardline President Islam Karimov. Mrs. Bush calls Uzbekistan a "model of democracy" and "beacon of hope" in a world gone soft.