Written by Creepy McSordid
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Topics: Technology, disease

Monday, 23 May 2005

SEOUL -- The lead scientist of a team of South Korean researchers who have cloned human embryos are planning for a day when using cloning technology will cure serious disease and injury.

"It seems that we have unlocked four large formidable gates that we had doubted we would ever be able to find the keys to open," said Dr. Woo Suk Hwang, adding that now people should begin voting on whom should be cloned and proposed an international competition to determine who's the most clone-worthy. Dr. Hwang also suggested any votes from South Koreans should be the only ones taken seriously.

Hwang, 53, received a hero's welcome home after his team's results were published online Thursday by the U.S. journal Science. Domestic media lionized Hwang who characterized his team's tireless research by quoting the Pet Shop Boys lyrics, "I've got the brains, you've got the looks; lets make lots of money."

Ahn Kyu Ri, a scientist on Hwang's team, said: "Dr. Hwang might be correct in the assessment that he's quite intelligent but I haven't noticed an attractive member on this team since I joined, and I am suffering from macular degeneration and rely heavily on my imagination".

Unlike the United States and many European countries, where research for therapeutic cloning is banned or locked in controversy, South Korea moved rapidly to establish guidelines on such research. As news reached the United States earlier this week, there was a general referendum to update the words to America's "Pledge of Allegiance" to now begin: "I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of Behind Scientific Progress…"

Yesterday President George Bush commented on the ethics of such research and capabilities uncovered by cloning, "This is not what God wants. We, the people, should not play God, except in movie or television roles and then, only by actors like John Wayne or Robert Mitchum." When asked by "The New York Times" reporter Walt Bogdanich how President Bush knew what God wanted specifically, the President responded, "Because I said so and I'm the President!" President Bush then stuck out his tongue while rolling his eyes back and muttered, "Nyah, nyah, nyah…." Vice President Cheney could not be reached for comment.

Many Americans have openly expressed concern that stem-cell research is unethical because it destroys an embryo which may develop into a human being. Scientists pioneering this valuable analysis have come up with a list of people to consider when deciding if it is not a good idea to destroy a human embryo, and these people are as follows: Billy Idol, Pol Pot, Ali G, Idi Amin, Cliff Richard, Mao Tse-tung, Billy Idol, Paris Hilton, Tony Blair, Anna Nicole Smith, George W. Bush, Adolph Hitler, Tommy Tune, Adrian Zmed, Saddam Hussein, Graham Norton, Osama Bin Laden, Billy Idol and Kathy Lee Gifford.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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