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Wednesday, 22 September 2010

Mayonnaise giants Hellmann's have been rumoured as the biggest source of funding for the continued war in Afghanistan.

According to hearsay and, well, lies, the company has been supplying weapons, intelligence and condiments to British troops after noting a correlation between the conflict and sales of their product. Market research confirmed that whenever the Helmand province was mentioned on TV, 97% of viewers instantly thought of the leading US condiment producer and this resulted in dramatically increased purchases along patriotic lines.

Hellmann's sales were further boosted by the popular commercials showing Taliban strongholds being pacified by British soldiers bringing tubs of Reduced Fat Mayonnaise Dressing into their villages with its tagline "the sauce even fundamentalist insurgents can't live without" which later became a national catchphrase and unlikely hit for X Factor winner Joe McElderderry.

However, the company has also been criticised for profiting on death by both pro- and anti-war activists after launching their new Hellmann's Provence sauce, but the company insisted the name came from the region in France the recipe was devised and the accompanying image of British soldiers shooting Taliban members was chosen purely on aesthetic grounds.

It is not the first time condiments have been blamed for war with recent evidence suggesting the Battle of Waterloo was caused when the Duke of Wellington suggested to Napoleon that English mustard was better than its French counterpart.

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