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Topics: Georgia

Wednesday, 11 May 2005

image for Would-be-assassin to sue grenade manufacturer
lucky sod

Georgia -- An angry Georgian has vowed to take legal action against the makers of the grenade that sadly failed to kill George Bush on Tuesday.

Viktor Borsch, 38, of 19 Revolution Street, Tbilisi was in defiant mood after his assassination attempt went tits up yesterday,
"I know my rights," said Borsch, "I bought that grenade in good faith. It didn't go off so now I want compensation for all the grief this has caused me - I will make them pay for this!"

Meanwhile, a White House spokesman confirmed that an attempt had indeed been made on the President's life during his speech,
"Yes - it's true," said Chad Workowsky, "but people usually throw vegetables, not hand-held ordnance at these occasions."
He then rebuffed suggestions that members of the US security forces were slow to react,
"I refute that. Our agents realised within a matter of seconds that it was a British-made grenade and therefore highly unlikely to go off."
Workowsky added that Mr Bush appeared to have been completely unaffected by the attack, and had played with his toy soldiers as usual before his afternoon nap.

In a rare case of an arms manufacturer involved in a damage limitation exercise, the British makers of the grenade were forced into announcing an embarrassing recall of their product. Killforfun International, who are based in Woking, issued a formal request on their website for anyone who had purchased their Mark III easy-action-grenade to return them immediately,
"The public needn't be alarmed. These weapons are not dangerous at all - that's the problem."
Managing director, David McDavids admitted that they experienced difficulties in contacting some customers,
"Chechnya's phone system is notorious and some days it's impossible to get through to some of these African countries. Thankfully Iraq's got quite widespread internet access so no trouble there."
Mr McDavids was quick to defend his company and its record in light of the failed attack,
"I'd like to assure everyone that this is a minor setback. This company has an exemplary track record in the maiming and murder of freedom fighters, terrorist guerrillas and innocent civilians all over the world. I can only apologise that in this one rare instance our product failed to live up to expectations."

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