Written by P Turton
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Friday, 25 July 2003

image for Saddam Hussein: Game for a Laugh
Saddam: Big kid really

Saddam Hussein today revealed that he was just in the dictatorship business for a laugh and didn't mean anyone any harm, really.

The revelation comes as the British government is under increasing fire for its role in the recent gulf conflict.

With claims of a ‘sexed up' dossier misleading opinion into Saddam's weapons capabilities and a dead weapons expert to boot, Saddam's claims could not have come at a more inconvenient time for the government.

In an exclusive interview from his secret cave hideout somewhere in Iraq, or Syria, or Barnsley, Saddam revealed that the first Gulf war was really a prank that had gone wrong.

"I just thought it would be fun to put the wind up the Kuwaitis. I had no real intention to invade," he told me through a translator "however they misread the situation and didn't realise it was all a big joke. I intended it to be a bit like ‘knock-door run', however it went a bit wrong."

As for the systematic persecution of the Kurds in Northern Iraq and gas attacks which killed hundreds, Saddam claimed that he was just larking about, and someone, perhaps the Americans, sold him some duff stink bombs.

Saddam lays the blame for much of the misunderstandings with the Americans. "If they had a proper sense of humour we wouldn't have had so much trouble. It's all their fault," he said.

The former dictator and misunderstood funny man expressed regret at recent events, and was keen to show us that he was not a homicidal monomaniac. Showing me round his collection of Benny Hill videos and hard-core snuff DVDs I was impressed at his compassion and warmth.

Indeed, at one point, to illustrate a joke he pushed a pistol to my head and forced me to the ground "American Spy! American Spy!" he shouted in my ear, before putting it away and laughing heartily.

Saddam hopes that the revelations will soften public opinion towards him. He hopes to become television presenter and is keen to resurrect ‘You've been framed' citing Jeremy Beadle as a particular influence.

"It's my dream to host such a show," he said "Shitting people up big time gives me such a tremendous kick."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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