Written by Morse
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Monday, 19 July 2010

image for Joran van der Sloot on Levi Johnston: "I Coulda Been Him!"
Peruvian Inmates Wait in Court Yard to Welcome van der Sloot from Max Security!

Incarcerated sociopath, con man and accused murderer Joran van der Sloot was said to have gone round the bend today in his Peruvian Jail when he heard that protege and Pen pal Levi Johnston was about to score big with surprise marriage to Bristol Palin and his own reality show.

According to Joran's minders, he had been corresponding quite regularly with Johnston, as well as Amanda Knox, and most surprisingly, with Bristol Palin as well, from his high security cell in Peru where he recently won the prestigious distinction of being named ' Immaculada Concepcion' Carnival Queen.

A block mate on the same cell tier said Joran kept the details of his correspondence secret, but did confide that neither Levi or Bristol knew he was corresponding with the other.

According to censors at the jail administration offices, Levi was offering support in return for dating tips and insights on how to live like a king without working. There was also some veiled references to committing the perfect crime where a body would never be found.

Bristol on the other hand said she was fascinated with his worldly travel experiences and asked if he would ever consider visiting Alaska when
'he finally got out" even if she was a single grandmother with 10 children and 25 grandchildren.

Apparently correspondence has ceased after Levi & Bristol announced their wedding plans, the same day they discussed the new reality show created just for them by Levi's new mentor and business manager, Jon Gosselin.

According to sources close to the show, Bristol has yet to have an agent, but has had feelers from Lindsay Lohan's father, Michael , and the husband and wife team of Christopher and Patricia Culkin, parents of their estranged child actor son, Macaulay.

Further information alleges that prior to the wedding announcement, van der Sloot was within a pubic hair from being granted a presidential pardon on behalf of Obama, as part of a plan to repatriate him to the US and hook him up with Bristol to insure that Sarah would not challenge him in 2012, and give him a leg up in the upcoming midterm elections.

Joran is said to be so distraught after he came so close to escaping justice once again, that he may wind up allowing a final interview with Larry King
before he is turned out to the general population.

"I don't want to die with the world thinking I'm a bad person, ' said Joran, tearfully. "My mother and father abused me as a child, gave me too much money, no responsibility, and then all those horny bitches kept pestering me for sex.....It's not my fault...can't anybody see that?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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