Written by Don Pitts
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Topics: Texas, beauty

Monday, 11 April 2005

image for Ariel Sharon New Miss Texas

Ariel Sharon headed to Texas today to accept the only crown he's ever really wanted: Miss Texas. There was celebration throughout the state, as 80% of the populace gathered to embrace the new beauty queen, again proving that Texans will buy anything. If Bush wants them to idolize Sharon topless in a thong, by gawd they're on their knees!

Normally, Miss Texas is an airhead with big hair, big boobs and bigger dreams. Anna Nicole Smith and Jessica Simpson, both Texans disqualified as too intelligent to compete for the title, make them look stupid. They frame their GED's and display them right above the stuffed possum in their trailer. Ariel Sharon is somewhat of a break from this tradition. He doesn't have big hair, and hasn't had it in years, but that's the only difference. His boobs are awesome, and Ariel is a great girly stage name.

President Bush made the announcement at his Texas ranch, sitting closely beside the fetching Sharon, a hand on his knee. "Ariel Sharon is a total beauty, and one who supports America, right or wrong. We bomb the wrong towel heads, Ariel says "so what!?. We kill a hundred thousand innocent people, Ariel says "so what! Hey! This guy's got the moral conscience of the Texas Congressional delegation! He's a natural for Miss Texas!

Michael Syphilis, reporter for the Houston independent channel 42, objected. "Good frikkin lawd" he exclaimed! That guy is the second worst terrorist in the world, fatter than Buda, uglier than cow crap on a hot rock, and he's the new Miss Texas! Uh, ok."

Michael was a good Texan, and knowledgeable of the fact Bush's replacement governor doesn't support the hate crimes law and has the goal of cooking more people than Bush, who set the free world execution record in his zeal to give Texans a culture of life even if he had to kill them to accomplish it.

Michael hasn't been seen since about two hours after his dissention. President Bush calmed public concern by explaining that the reporter had in fact never existed, tv channels aren't numbered above 40, and Houston is a mythical place. Texans immediately accepted these facts and defended them.

George W. Bush was, as always, honest in his comments: "Ariel is a good Christian, kills towel heads only if they really need killing, and is really a cutie! Texans looked at each other and said: "Yeah!" Aspiring Texas homecoming queens are rapidly working on changing their look.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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