Written by Morse
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Tuesday, 29 June 2010

image for Cappelo Works Out Conjoined Twins In Goal; Threatens "Shake Up" After Disaster in South Africa!
Fans Wave Goodbye to Pissgums as They Leave Florida and Head to Footbal Fame in Britain!

Britain's beleaguered, nay, reviled, Football Manager, Fabio Capello, saying
"I'm not done yet, Mates," revealed he would be hanging around for two more years and promised a major shakeup in the Three Lion's starting squad.

Fabio, speaking through an interpreter, said there were two problems which caused the team from Britain to put up such a dismal showing in South Africa.

Holding up two nicotine stained fingers he enumerated the issues before a homecoming crowd of 3 that met the team at the airport upon their arrival.

"First, the players were tired!"

"Secondly, we were shit in goal...couldn't stop a shot."

Left unsaid was the fact that the team couldn't score either. But who's counting!

According to Capello, who plans to bank 12M pounds in the next two years, the rebuilding starts this week with the work out of soccer legends the Conjoined Pissgum Twins, who during amateur club play never gave up a goal in over 243 starts before leaving for the Colonies to work in a successful Pub operation founded by a former Spoof contributer.

The twins, who have dual citizen ship, make that quadruple to be anatomically correct, have been holding down the bar at the Pirate Cove Marina located in Pt. Salerno, FL where they also double as bouncers when necessary deflecting thrown beer bottles, and blocking errant drunks from
passing through the portals. So far, their record of 'never having been scored on' still stands in the Football Hall of records in Yeoville.

The twins, Buck and Percival, each have their individual style whilst defending.
Buck, who tends without gloves, is said to be a 'hands on' type player with an
arm span of a 'fooking orangoutang" according to opponents, while Percey is known for his devastating foot blocks aided by a prosthetic wooden leg and titanium shoe. Percey holds the long distance record for a goalie of putting one in the opponents nets (90m) from his own goal on a line without one bounce in a training game against Leeds United.

In another startling news development, Capello announced that British Airways Chairman Willie Walsh will be brought on to analyze, rework, and restructure all contracts for the players, an announcement that even managed to wipe the smile off the laughing face of Ashley Cole as shown on TV 4 hours after the teams humiliating defeat at the hands of the blitzkrieging Huns.


WEEKLY Salaries ( in Sterling) at risk are:

Wayne Rooney: 110k

Ashley Cole: 120K

Frank Lampard: 150k

Steven Garrard: 140K

John Terry: 170K

Following the announcement, a shudder was heard throughout the retail, automotive and jewelry markets in London, where managers said they would be forced to cut inventory, consider redundancy and the cutting of overtime, profit sharing and early retirement amongst staff. At least 6 estate agents have committed suicide jumping from the roofs of unsold mansions.

Back in Port Salerno, the twins were throwing their going away party with drinks on the house, signing autographs, and in general celebrating their chance to finally make it into the 'big show.'

Neither Buck or Percey were willing to discuss their salary, nor confirm that they had received a signing bonus of well into the 6 figures.

"We don't care about the money, " said Buck, "me 'n Percey have always shared everything equal...gets a little cramped in bed sometimes, but it always comes out even in the end...that's the name of the game, innit?"

Pirate's Cove has announced it has openings for a chef, two bartenders, and a swordsman starting immediately, with salary and bonus based on experience.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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