Written by Chief Cheese
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Topics: Pope, Vatican

Tuesday, 15 March 2005

image for Pope comes out in favor of gay divorce
Pope John Paul hams it up for tourists

Vatican City (Spoof International News Syndicate)-Pope John Paul has written a speech for the coming meeting of Cardinals at the Vatican that contains his new edict regarding gay divorce. Spoof's correspondent in the Vatican has obtained an advance copy of the text for the edification of its readers.

"My dear Cardinals and other colleagues here and within the sound of my voice around the world: greetings and blessings be upon you.

"During my recent convalescence, I had much time to study and to consider the events going on about me; there is much to be concerned about the goings- on throughout Europe and indeed even in the new world-specifically Massachusetts and Californicus.

"The teachings of the Church are specifically being circumvented and indeed, ignored altogether in these states. The highest law courts of those lands are now saying that the so-called "gay marriage" cannot be deemed illegal, based on interpretations of their respective constitutions.

"So, while the Church cannot physically stop such marriages from occurring, and gay marriage cannot be condoned, it will henceforth be the Church's policy not only to accept, but to enthusiastically encourage, gay divorce.

"While at first this seems like an incredible change of policy, and indeed of heart, thorough study of the bible will reveal a valuable precedent.

"In 1st Plebians, Jacob tells a story of a pleasant afternoon during which two of his neighbors, who lived together in the same dwelling, with a curiously non-specific relationship, came in to his home to assist with the selection of the colors of window dressings.

"It soon became only too clear to Jacob and his wife that the friends ‘could only barely stand to be within eye sight of one another' and ‘nearly came to violence over their differences'. It was then that Jacob blessed their permanent separation. Jacob and his wife soon obtained the newly vacated dwelling, later on reaping the joyful bounty of their good will towards all men.

"So I say to all of you, men of the Church, and all my children throughout the World: ago quod permissum ago. Perceptum ut recipero quis venio."

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