Written by Stu B
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Topics: Pope, Satan

Friday, 11 March 2005

image for Satan Causes Chaos in Guildford
An Eye Witness took photos with their Camera Phone

Ailing Pope John Paul the second caused considerable controversy and mild disruption at the Friars Shopping Centre today when he announced that Satan was amongst us. The hoarse pontiff, who has been hospitalised for some weeks now made the shock announcement from his hospital window in Rome. Furthermore he announced the name of Beelzebub as one Enzo Vincenzo Sales Director of Ayava UK and part time Talcum Powder trader.

As news filtered across the globe all attention centred on Guildford and the offices of Ayava Uk where activity appeared to be frenetic. Early reports indicate that when told of the papal announcement the ginger executive physically recoiled, and fell, snarling and dribbling behind his desk overlooking the Cathedral, moments later he allegedly transformed into a horned, winged cloven footed beast and with a powerful beat of his leathery wings, rose into a Guildford sky in front of a shocked visiting contingent from the Guildford Rotarians. He reined terror on the occupants of the sleepy surrey market town by vomiting fiery bile over unsuspecting shoppers before popping into the loo's at Guildford Railway Station.

He emerged, in human form, sniffing violently and with reddened eyes whereupon he was ceremoniously fired by CEO Dan Patterson, bearing a crucifix, a bible and a leather bound edition of the Sarbannes Oxley Accord. The screaming Vincenzo then turned white, shrank to the size of a grain of sand and disappeared up his own nose. Souls whom he had enslaved were immediately freed, and singing, dancing and general cavorting were reported in the Guildford Campus.

Ex Ayava VP John Winchelsea was interviewed in his Cambridge Convalescent home, "I tried on many occasions to share and connect with Vincenzo but always felt there was something of the night about the man"

Winchelsea's successor Cliff Sourkins was unavailable for comment due to an unexpectedly large donut.

Dan Patterson CEO of Ayava and amateur exorcist later led prayers at the Ayava Campus in thanks for the deliverance of the UK organisation from it's satanic bondage. Cake and espresso was served free of charge in the canteen and The Bishop of Guildford blessed the fake lemon trees in an impromptu celebration of joy.

Vincenzo, who had previously denied all connection to the Prince of Darkness, had risen from a lowly trolley dolly to Sales Director without any real formal qualifications other than a menacing stare and the uncanny knack to develop a sniff after lunch. He is expected to lay low for a while but experts warn that he will return, probably in the shape of a Al Pacino's evil twin.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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