Morninghead, Ireland - Citizens of Morninghead, Ireland, got the shock of their lives Saturday evening when patrons of Murphy's Pub, came screaming out into the streets that the "snakes were back." Several of the regulars at the pub, were reported to have seen "giant snakes" on the walkway outside the building.
"They were snakes, I tell you, giant snakes," said local patron, Patrick Sullivan. "I swear on my dear mother's grave, I saw snakes! Here, one minute, then gone the next! The snakes have come back to Ireland!" The snakes were described as "menacing vipers, 30ft. long,if they were an inch, the color of a blarney stone, and long in the teeth."
Police were able to make a composite sketch of the creature from witness testimonies. Animal control specialists and serpent trainers were immediately dispatched to the area. Some law enforcement officers have their doubts about the appearance of "snakes" in the area. "Myself, I think it's the Guinness talkin', said Officer Paddy Wagon.
Father Martin, of the local church, "The Church of Immediate Misdirection", is sure it's all "malarkey." "Good for nothin' hoodlums, the lot of them, up to useless shenanigans, once again. Last Sunday at services, they were sure they saw Elvis in the congregation, wearin' a Stetson hat, imagine that, a Stetson hat! So
today it's snakes at Murphy's. What will it be tomorrow, let me think
unicorns in the confessionals? I can hardly control myself with such excitement about, those idiots!"
One neighborhood skeptic also has his doubts about the appearance of any snakes at the pub. "If those loonies are seeing snakes, Harvey (the bar keeper) must be waterin' down the liqueur again. The last time he did that, they were seein' hedgehogs in paper hats!
In keeping with the spirit in which this story was written, please read it with an Irish baroque. I wrote it initially on a typewriter I recently purchased on my trip to Dublin. The store clerk told me that the typewriter once belonged to Bono (U2), and that he used it to write the lyrics for the song, "I still haven't found my chewing gum." (The song was about a dental visit Bono had, in which he lost his chewing gum during the exam.) The song was later changed to "I still haven't found what I'm looking for," (The Joshua Tree) after the examining dentist, threatened to sue.
Please note: The exclamation marks in the title of this story are dedicated to, Mr. Kenneth Manboobs, (fellow Spoof writer, not yet a veteran.) Who has on numerous occasions expressed his genuine appreciation for the exclamation mark and those who choose to use it.