Written by Noddy Bigears
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Topics: Driving, Camilla

Wednesday, 9 March 2005

In an unprecedented show of political reunion, Bush and Berlusconi have put aside their differences of opinion regarding the US and Italian international clash on driving techniques in order to show support for the young couple, Charles and Camilla, who are yearning to have a low key wedding. Insiders from the Pentagon have leaked an email from the triumphant Bill Gates returning with his prized Knighthood in order to facilitate the Bush and Berlusconi attendance by posting it to the Spoof head office which rightly forwarded photocopies to the White House and the Italian Ministries. Whilst the complete text of the email is over 346 pages, there is one key paragraph relating to Bill overhearing a conversation between the Queen and Prince Philip whilst he was waiting in the corridor prior to his presentation, the gist of which is as follows:

Queen "Thank goodness that this will be a low key event and we do not have to invite all those plebs like the US Presidential administration, crooked Italian politicians touching everybodys' bottom, snooty French ministers let alone any bacterial Australians"
Prince Philip "Absolutely, it is bad enough having to wave at the public let alone actually touch them but at least normally my Dear, you can wear white gloves"
Queen "What do you expect! We've got Bill Gates waiting outside, some sort of computer software sales thingy. Right, lets get on with this monkey show, I've got a horse bet on the 11-1 ‘Flying Jump Start' which starts in under an hour at Newmarket race course."
Prince Philip "Okay, but remember this time after the wedding at least you do not have to pretend to be a caring ‘mother-in-law' to your son although the resemblance of this bride to a thoroughbred does make you warm to her more than that other filly and she does really like her big juicy raw carrots"

The White Office administration was shocked with horror about being cut out of the wedding plans, Bush was on the phone to Berlusconi immediately "Ciao Silvio, lets forget about that little driving accident, my wife is giving me hell about not getting an invitation to the Charles and Camilla wedding, apparently its in the Guildhall in Windsor, not like that other tiny place designed by Christopher Wren, St Pauls Cathedral but only much bigger, worse still she wants a ticket for her mother as well as most of her friends and even their acquaintances."

Berlusconi agreed immediately "Si, Georgio, you thinka that you have gotta problems, my mother-in-law is going cutta my balls offa if I cannota getta a ticket for this festa! I've trieda to explaina to the wife that it is not likea getting a front row seat for ona of my Network Music TV shows lika San Remo lasta week but she just replies ‘YOU NEVER EVER LIKED MY MOTHER, DID YOU STRONZO, NON SEI NIENTE!' and shutta the bedroom door and calla her Mamma! Her Mamma always hata me from the first day because I cannotta eata her pasta" Berlusconi explained further "Its notta my fault that our Italian Royal Family ‘The house of Savoy' hadda to go and live in Switzerland after the Second World War because they hadda supported the German Nazi party." He added "Do you thinka you canna getta a ticket for my frienda ‘Sandra Mussolini, ona our besta Members of the European Parliament?"

George W. reassured Silvio "No problem, my Mediterranean friend, Bill Gates has offered to pay for Camillas' dowry if you will chip in the revenue from the TV serialization of the wedding through your networks towards the Burger and Fries finger buffet and we all get as many invitations as we want from Prince Charles."

Silvio closed the telephone call "Sei Fantastico Georgio!, Grazie per tutto, butta please we Italians eata proper fooda, I suggesta the bestsa menu,

Uno, we starta with ‘Spaghetti alla Puttanesca', I hearda its Charles favorite dish, he licks it downa ana uppa!

Due, we hava nexta "Fritto Misto', that's lika the English fish and chips butta better, you gonna love it!

Tre, ‘Gelato anda Macedonnia -you knowa, ice cream and fruitta salad'

Ciao, see you there Georgio. W anda, dontta worry, I aska the Frencies and 'Capo' Germans to comma as wella since you notta talking too wella with thema ata the momento!!!"

Before Silvio hangs up, he added " My wife and her mother are gonna be soa happy, La Mia Amore (Italian for wife) willa lova mia again e La Strega Vipera (Italian for mother-in-law) is gonna kissa my arse tutti giorni lika you saya in the US!"

Immense inner happiness and calm for the husbands and extreme excitement for the respective wives and female relatives simultaneously descends on both sides of the Atlantic in the family house holds of President Bush and Premier Berlusconi as the dynamic men have effectively dealt with another international, social and domestic crisis.

Meanwhile, back at Windsor Castle, the Queen asks Prince Philip "Do you think Charles will invite many people? That Tony and Cherie Blair alone are so unbearable!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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