Written by Hydrogen Balloon
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Saturday, 1 May 2010

image for Shroud Of Turin Is From A Woman's Body
A Typical Older Woman From The Middle East

Vatican City - Some stunning new computer images of the Shroud of Turin are revealing many new secrets to Vatican City scientists. The latest computer enhanced images contained something totally unexpected. The Shroud of Turin shows the body of a woman, not a man as previously thought. Everyone in the Vatican is completely perplexed.

The naked figure of the crucified person on the Shroud was always assumed to be a man. The person on the Shroud was tall, had a beard, and appeared to have male genitals. The person's left hand discretely hides most of the private parts from view. Exciting new computer tomography is able to remove the hand to show what's underneath. It shows that the figure has a vagina, and is most definitely female.

Some biblical scholars were not too surprised at the findings. Women in the Middle East are notorious for their facial hair, and beards in older women are not unknown. The woman also had very small breasts too and was very tall, and that is also typical of women from the Middle East. Whoever she was, the poor woman was crucified. Everything else about her seems destined to remain a mystery.

Many biblical experts believe the image on the Shroud could be the Virgin Mary. She was known to sport a thick beard in mid-life and was also very tall. It's possible that the Virgin met the same fate as her son, no one will ever know for sure.

Vatican officials have found a great way to make money with the new discovery. The image of the Shroud of Turin will appear as a centerfold in next month's Playboi centerfold!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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