Church leaders are said to be incensed over the reported withdrawal by Primark of padded bikinis for girls as young as seven.
"Given the Vatican's new hard-line stance on paedophile priests the recreational pastimes of our clergy are becoming more and more limited." said Cardinal Aymup Forit, the Vatican minister for priest counselling.
"Browsing the lingerie and underwear sections of high street stores is one of the few activities still open to priest members. Any restrictions to this simple pleasure are to be deeply regretted."
This sentiment was echoed by many of the priests that we interviewed. "The only reason I joined the church was so I could work Sundays and have all day Saturday going around the shops." said one priest. "People don't realise just how stressful our job is. When you have to work four hours EVERY week, and on a Sunday too, you really need time to unwind." said another.
Cardinal Forit complained that this move by Primark was yet another example of the 'hate crimes' being directed at the church. "First it was Asda withdrawing it's push-up bra for young girls, then Tesco removes it's pole dancing set from the toy section, and now this!"
The cardinal also claimed that these and other items had been a key element of the 'rehabilitation' process for members of the clergy who had fallen prey to Satan's more fleshy temptations.
"Introducing 'alternative' pastimes, especially female oriented ones, into seminaries and redirecting priests 'urges' onto less harmful activities is a core strategy in preventing future embarrassment for the church."