Written by Jerry Cornelium
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Topics: Space, Religion

Thursday, 20 January 2005

image for Rolling Stone: No Qualms With Bible, But Zondervan Translation Boring
Even Fomer Pres Clinton and Pres. Mandela are unenthused

NEW YORK --- Fed up with the recent neo-con talk radio rants regarding its refusal to sell advertising space to Zondervan's latest translation of the Bible, the TNIV Bible, RollingStone magazine issued a statement explaining that religion was not the issue at all. The TNIV translation simply happens to be much too boring to meet the magazine's standards.

"We do not have an unwritten policy not to do any religious advertising. Heck, we'd never have done any stories on Stryper or Creed," an executive stated. "And certainly, any artist calling herself Madonna would have remained a nobody."

The executive said RollingStone's beef with the new translation was that it was "just too damned boring." He said the editorial staff, who had tried to read the whole book in all earnestness, could not even make it past Matthew 1.

The TNIV translation, much like the little green Gideon Bibles senior citizens distribute illegally in public schools, covers only the New Testament. Matthew is the New Testament's first book.

The executive further said, RollingStone's editors then tried the TNIV translation beginning with the last book, Revelations -- with the same success.

"Most of the guys had fallen asleep by the time they'd reached page three," he said. "The TNIV translation is a complete dud. It's just not the page turner that your King James is. I mean, take a look at Revelations. That's the stuff that'll have you sitting on the edge of your seat. It'll give you nightmares. Zondervan's translation, on the other hand, is a complete snoozer."

He cited Revelations 13:18 "This calls for wisdom. Let those who have insight calculate the number of the beast, for it is the number of a man. That number is 666."

"You think Iron Maiden would have ever used THAT in their song?" he said. "I think they were wise to stick with old King James."

RollingStone's statement has sent ripples of embarrassment to the neo-con talk radio community, as many talk radio hosts have begun to air Islamic commercials -- just to prove how much more open-minded they are than all these "intolerant, group thinking Hollywood liberals."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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