Written by Pedro DePacas
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Topics: Santa, Supreme Court

Thursday, 9 December 2004

image for Santa Claus Pleads Guilty To Abuse
"Shh. Don't Tell The Kids!"

World-famous child-lover Santa Claus, whose real name is Christopher Rudolph Kringle, was arraigned this morning at the North Pole Supreme Court, facing 2.2million charges of child abuse. This comes as no surprise to elves everywhere, who have been wary of Mr. Kringle's actions for some time.

"We tried placing him in different locations, but he always finds the closest mall," John Michael II stated today, "he then sits children on his lap, asking them if they've been naughty or nice."
"Children who respond "nice" were given a 'special candy cane'. Those who respond "naughty" get two black lumps." This not only raises the question of who's been watching the kids (since the parents aren't) but also criticizes Mr. Kringle's ethnicity. A geneology researcher for Elite Little Volunteers of Exporting Services (ELVES) recently discovered Mr. Kringle is a long-lost relative of Aunt Jemima. The researcher wishes to remain anonymous and would not return phone calls. Claus pled guilty to all counts and will be sentenced on Friday Dec. 24. Currently he is being held in a brick 4' X 4' chimney without bail.

Cathleen Kringle, better known as Mrs. Claus, recently turned 950. During a telephone conversation with her this morning, she hinted toward divorce. "I learned a thing or two from watching the news. I'm not as dumb as that Clinton lady. I know a repeat offender when I see one."
According to Judge Eater Out, Mr. Kringle is facing a maximum sentence of 300 years at NO-FP, with a chance of parole after 4 years, if he can keep it away from small people that long. A likely sentence would be pole arrest until January 1, 2015.
Children all over the world are protesting the accusations, claiming that Mr. Kringle loves them. "Santa Claus loves giving me gifts and special candy canes," Virginia West of West Virginia said through tears in an interview with Northpole News Network (NNN) today. "He's always happy to [see] us. You can see it in his face."

Unfortunately for parents, this means for the first time in 900 years they have to buy presents. President George W. Bush commented on the situation this evening by saying "corruption always starts at the top of the chain of command." After realizing his choice of words, he then added "except in the United States. Corruption starts one like lower and works its way up and sometimes down. Sometimes over to the side, too. We don't really know where corruption begins folks, we just know it begins at the top."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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