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Monday, 1 March 2010

image for Canada Still America's Hat Despite Olympic Victory

Canadians awoke to horror today, discovering that their thrilling Olympic victory over the United States has failed to dislodge their international status as That Hockey Country Just Above America. Experts say that barring the acquisition of nuclear weapons or being conquered by China, Canada could remain known as the frigid wasteland to the north of the U.S. for at least fifty years.

"All indicators seem to be that despite this dramatic victory on their own soil, and a successful and popular Olympic Games all round, Canada is still primarily famous for being the birthplace of Wayne Gretzky and that massive country on America's northern border," said political analyst Marlon Kweiser. "The data we're currently reviewing now is that while America may have finished a disappointing second to the Canadians, in 50 years few people will remember the game at all, America will still be one of perhaps two or three key global players, and Canada will still be ruled by the Queen of England."

Many Canadians have reacted with bitterness and shock, as many felt that an overtime victory against the team that had previously beaten them during these games would have earned the nation greater international standing.

"I don't believe it; I thought Crosby's goal would have gotten us a seat on the U.N. Security Council at the very least," commented Ontario resident Martin Brunson. "I feel disappointed; it's as if nine-tenths of the world doesn't really care about hockey, or the Winter Olympics in general."

"Well, you know what, America? We still have healthcare, so fuck you!" roared Edmonton sales associate Guy LaFontaine as the United States went about its business of maintaining the largest nuclear arsenal in the world and a cultural imperialism that will almost certainly never be matched.

"Realistically, unless Canada develops some national pastimes other than making maple syrup and bragging about the CN Tower, Canada is destined to mockery and obscurity for the rest of its existence," opined Kweiser. "Sure, they captured a beach on D-Day, but nobody remembers that at all."

For their part, most Americans remained benignly unconcerned with the outcome of Sunday's game, with many still professing doubts as to what exactly Canada was or is.

"I didn't even know Canada was a real country until a few weeks ago, anyway," admitted New York resident and businessman Dan Yorke. "I seriously thought they were a made-up country from South Park for the longest time. That place to the north? I thought it was Russia, no joke."

"I've never actually been to Canada," admitted Buffalo hotdog vendor Chris Simpson. "I know it's like a 20-minute drive from here, but all the tourist brochures I've seen just mention of how many moose they have and how a lot of famous hockey players live there, so I really don't see the point."

Kweiser, however, remains cautiously optimistic about Canada's chances of acquiring international respect and recognition.

"Applying for American statehood certainly seems like the obvious choice," said Kweiser. "Reverting back to colonial status within the British Empire is a possibility, but there are a lot of hard feelings there. I'd say at the very least, an official apology for spawning Celine Dion. But Canadians can always take pride in the fact that at least during these Winter Olympics, Canada has triumphed."

At press time, the United States leads the total medal count with 37 to Canada's 26.

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