Written by Morse
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Saturday, 23 January 2010

image for Computer Illiterate Man Buys IPhone, Finds Himself on Internet Bathroom Live Cam
Man Finds Out the Hard Way, His Cell Phone Can Do "Everything!"

A mature man, mature in age and life experiences, but yet infantile in his appreciation and understanding of the computer technology age, was greatly embarrassed today to find his images topping 2m hits on a bathroom live cam after he purchased an IPhone.

The slightly red faced victim, Rodney Wellfleet, had stood in line for hours at a local phone boutique in order to upgrade his aging cell phone to one that was compatible with the preprogrammed system that he didn't want, but had to pay for, in the car he recently purchased.

According to the salesman, who said it wasn't possible to remove the highly technical apparatus from behind the dash and give Rodney credit, if he had a Blue Tooth enabled phone he could download the latest 3d movie hit, Avatar, perform hands free wanking while calling his favourite 900 number, and listen to the complete hits of The Bonkettes (CRSkoob1999), all without paying a penny.

Additional features were onboard GPS so he wouldn't get lost making the 1.5 mile trek to the 'packy' (in New England that's the Liquor Package Store), the 2 mile trek to the beach for romping with the family dog, and the ability to download every golf course in the US & Scotland telling him he still had 275 yards to go to the green even though he had already expended 4 shots to go 125 yards, not including the 3 shots to get out of the fairway bunker.

Despite the economy, the store was doing a brisk business, mostly with fans of the current President Barry Obama, evidenced by their logo t-shirts, Nike running outfits, and bare ass cheeks since oversize pants were worn Chicago Style, Sans Belt.

Customers were buying 2 or more of the latest model cell phones, which the attendant assured them granted them immediate access to all the President's Blog, kept them informed on where to vote, and which discount store had the best deals on the latest rap albums. Along with each purchase was a current absentee ballot all filled out, except for signature, for the upcoming 2010 mid term elections, and the attendant happily programmed in a picture of the entire Obama family, including the family dog, as a screen saver.

The attendant spent little time with Rodney, as he was wearing his T-shirt which said "Don't Blame Me, I Voted for Ike!", and after a rudimentary run through, Rodney was dispatched with his new instrument of enlightenment.

After a brief stop at his local new car agency, the phone was synchronized with the mysterious micro chip hidden somewhere in the proximity of the heated seat switch, and Rodney was assured he was now in step with the rest of the world, technically speaking.

Rodney was urged to keep the phone with him at all times so he could keep up with the stock market, the latest headlines at The Spoof.com, and could even write little stories about other Spoofers if he used a toothpick to key the letters on the phone pad.

Little did Rodney know that with so many buttons and hidden switches, he had activated the video camera portion of the apparatus, and was horrified to find out when he received several e-mail alerts on his phone, and even a spoken message coming from the speakers in his car, that his fastidious bathroom practices were now the rage on Utube.

Barely touching the Utube function, right there on "Most Viewed" was his own self sitting on the can reading the instruction manual for his new phone!

Rodney panicked, pushing every icon on his phone, there were over 500, to no avail. In desperation, he disconnected the battery to his car, which only caused a 911 call to the police, who showed up in his driveway with K-9s and the Swat Team...much to the disgust of his neighbours, who preferred to live in anonymity due to their previous lives as hedge fund managers, oil magnates, and supporters of the NRA.

When last seen, Rodney was locked in his wife's walk in closet with the lights out yelling, "CAN YOU SEE ME NOW?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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