Written by Fergus McCarthy
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Topics: Ireland, Snow

Saturday, 9 January 2010

image for Army ordered to shoot snowballers after vicious attack on vital food supply vehicle.
Clara, County Offaly.

Ireland has issued a direct order to the country's military to shoot any persons over 152 centimetres or 60 inches in height, that has been identified as in either use of, or being in possession of a "snowball" or "snowball like" projectile.

The crackdown on snowball gangs that have appeared countrywide was ordered since snow started falling last week coinciding with a series of snowball attacks which culminated in the hijacking of a vital food supply vehicle on a late night delivery in the Taoiseach's hometown of Clara Co. Offaly at 11.30pm on Friday night.

The driver, Chen Fung was treated at the scene for minor burns and scalds. Mr Chen was delivering a late night Chinese takeaway to the Cowen household when he was attacked by up to 15 masked and hooded youths throwing snowballs. According to eye witnesses Mr Chen, unable to see through the barrage of missiles lost control of his vehicle and crashed into a post box that had been cleverly disguised as a snowman.

The vehicle was ransacked and the entire order of 7 Beef and black bean sauce, 3 sweet and sour chicken balls and 16 spring rolls were taken.

A spokesman for the Taoiseachs office confirmed that an incident had taken place during an informal Cabinet meeting at the Taoiseach's private residence but stressed that it had in no way interfered with, or disrupted state business in any way.

"The Taoiseach was informed of the attack at 11.43 last night and suspended his video conference with three of his senior ministers to take stock of the situation and weigh up the options left.

The Indian option was the Taoiseachs own recomendation reasoning quite rightly that he couldn't trust the Chinese at that time because they would probably be pissed off about the van getting fucked up and having to redo the order and they might spit in his food for making them stay open late just to do his food.

The Indians on the other hand would probably make him up a lovely bit of grub without gobbing in it because they'd be delighted at the new business not to mention the free advertising.

As it turned out the situation was resolved very quickly and the Taoiseach was back at his laptop less than two minutes later.

The spokesman refused to comment on a report that a late night reveller had been shot and injured after throwing a snowball at a plain clothes police officer outside an Indian restaurant in nearby Tullamore.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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