Written by Frank Miller
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Tuesday, 5 January 2010

image for Squishy mess : Search for survivors following collapse of  hotel made from Sumo wrestlers
Sumo Wrestlers are bred in cages where they live in trees, eat leaves and masterbate as God intended

Japan: Rescue workers are franticly attempting to rescue hundreds of American and French tourists who were caught in a horrifying building collapse.

The tower, built in Kooriyama (Fukushimma, Japan) was constructed entirely from 950,000 Sumo wrestlers and stood over four hundred feet high; the tallest building made from Sumo wrestlers in the world. It boasted a luxury hotel with a swimming pool and massage parlour.

Large Pizza, hold the Sumo!

As the building fell, most of the Sumo wrestlers were squashed and compacted under their own weight. Results are similar to a loved family pet put in a food blender set to 'pulverise'. The site of the building is now a squishy mess of mangled Sumo body parts and fat. From the air, I could see that the scene resembled a huge pizza measuring 200 feet across.

Rescue Problems

International rescue workers are being hampered in their efforts - by the very dogs they depend on. Rescue worker Herbert Tweedle said, "The sniffer dogs we use are useless at finding survivors. They're more interested in gorging on juicy Sumo blubber! They've gone crazy, attacking anything that goes near to the disaster area.

"We've had to call in diggers and dumper trucks to simply scoop huge chunks of Sumo goo at a time and check for signs of life. It's the only way to protect ourselves from the ravenous dogs."

Lucky escape

One lucky escapee, French tourist Claude la Claudette (French, male, 35, smeared with Sumo guts) escaped drowning in jellied Sumo remains by finding an air pocket inside a Sumo wrestler's skull.

Defective Sumo

The disaster was caused by a single Sumo wrestler who weakened and collapsed after only three days. His family now live in eternal shame; the shame of the feeble weak Sumo.

Bob Taylor (Fifth Dan grand master of structural engineering) examined footage of the collapse. "Typically, when one Sumo goes, there's no stopping the chain reaction of catastrophic Sumo failure; they all go and God help anyone caught inside."

Additional Information

Sumo wrestlers are highly regarded by the Japanese for their strength, stamina and their ability to throw salt; qualities which make them a popular building material.

It's unknown how many Sumo wrestlers can be recovered from the site. It is thought that the blubbery Sumo remains could be used to make soap.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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